i hate it when i know the truths that i dont want to know. I cannot do this anymore. I hate that i'm letting myself down again and again, i hate ruining lives with hope i give and hope i receive. I am truly, and deeply sorry to all i've let down, i just feel like i only want one, no matter what everyone else says, no matter what i have been accused for, i really want to just take that one right now....but i cant. Not if i can control myself. not if i stand by my beliefs but its hard, since i am torn. Since i'm wronged and since i am broken i cannot make the decisions that i have to, that i want, because of the truth, the facts that u're still far away. I wish my life was a song, cause songs, they never die. The decisions are hard the decisions are tough, but sometimes i just dont want to be good, sometimes i want to be bad again, be the person i have tucked away, be the person that everyone hates, but i get what i want. I really want this one, really really. my heart beats are slowing and pain is growing, does he love u? Thats worth knowing. The thing is i know, i'm not going to do it, if i'm conscious if i'm knowing. Unless i can no longer control, no longer bear watching u from a far. I want only happiness for you, even if i'm not. You're like the sun, you have no choice but to shine, i know people cannot see it, its because they're blind but i can, i can. I can hardly speak, no sweet words can come out of my mouth, i can only be what i am, i dont want to be that person no matter what everyone says, i dont want to trick u. i dont want to lie to myself. but whats all this talk about, it is not now. it will never be possible, not now. not when u hear someone elses voice in your head everynight. I wished that all this never happened, i wish i didnt ever tell u anything, i can barely look at you, but every single time i do, i know i can make it anywhere with you. There's always something getting through but its not me, its you. Sueanne
And another side of the moon would be i hate that we got ourselves into this mess, i cannot say yes now, because u're related to my past my angry angry past, my shame, and my mistake. i cannot accept the fact that in the future i'd have to be looking at that person in the eye and knowing she broke my heart, took my everything and threw it into the dumpster. i will never be able to be close to any of u, because of that fact. I was never a really good friend to u all, i only followed what she said, sometimes not to the benefit of u guys. i just hope i dont give u the totally wrong perception, i am telling u now its not because of u, its because of the one that haunts me, the mistake that haunts me. Anything and anyone close to her is and always will be distant, or be made distant by me. i cannot even try to trust, and definitely not commit to anyone that is even the slightest bit close to her. Yeah its over between me and her, and i forgave her already, but i will never forget, never will i forget the mistake i made and the wrong doings that have been directed toward me, never. I never did talk to that person that screwed me over before, never did i forget what he did to me. and i never will. So never should u blame yourself either its not u, but its not totally me either. Sue
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