Take my Hand so i can breath

Please stay sweet my dear,

its funny when u suddenly showed up into my life, never have i seen such a person, so same, but yet different i know that you hide certain things in your life, certain things that i guess you don't want people to see, and i love that, i am smitten i can say. Its in your eyes where i find peace, peace in my own world, everything else blurrs out when i look at you, thats how i know, after so long. You all know how i write i pour out thoughts, no matter how many things I've heard, how many things i know u did, doesnt really matter, i really know that i am a person that doesnt easily find someone, and i don't fall so easily, and i know that its the same, the same everytime i do it, its the same everytime i am smitten everytime i am different, i treat u diferent from how i treat other people, and i know because i don't care how u look or how u act as long as u arent what i don't want to see in you, yes i'm different, yes i'm abit nuts and yes i'm very straight foward, but i dont open up very easily, and havent yet with you, its hard for i don't know for sure if its mutual. its been awhile since i've gone and fuck things up, just like i always do, but it dissapears when i'm with you.

An answer to a question...

If your life story as made into a film directored and acted out by your favorite actor/actresses. How do you want your feminity and masculinity to be projected on screen?

To directly answer that question, it would be tremendously difficult. The answer I’m going to give you is going to be full of what I think of masculinity and feminity, my characters and how the film will portray a person’s certain gender.

My characters will not be projected in a direct way, of course my character would be a man but this man isn’t a bold, adventurous, strong or even brave. He is me, the sleeper. The person that is in every class, every tutorial, everywhere, a person that is left alone, a person with no one to talk to, the loner if you must say. Although sense of masculinity is always present, the audience will definitely know he is a man, boy, male. And surely enough he doesn’t come to class, he loves the world, outside this one, his own little world that he lives in everyday, he loves his world outside of school.

If so happen my life would be made into a film, audience will not know his pain until they realize that in some point of their own lives, they have felt exactly the same, especially the first day of work, where unfriendly eyes meet you in every direction, No one really to confide your fear, phobia and uneasy-ness to. And yet when people look at him, they can sense that he is a loner he has no friends, but still he is strong and his will is what brings him through life, that is masculinity to me, the ability to prove yourself or to survive through dark and lonely times and stay stagnant, unmoved by the rigors of life. That is masculinity, to be able to live life, and in between, laugh about the good parts and still continue to suffer life as it is.

In the end of my movie the audience will understand that this boy has had enough with his life although only being at the age of probably 25, not married, no friends, useless job and mostly unhappy and depressed, that is what happens to people that have no will, or just have taken too much punishment in their lives. Those are truly depressed people. My character will be projected as a person drifting through time with only the masculinity given to him by his natural gender and probably by his age, rigors that he has been through and his independent lifestyle. Masculinity is but a heritage and masculinity is only a cover, a mask of your true self esteem.

Hope is actually masculinity hidden under the sheets of shallowness

And Hope guides us through our Darkest Times and our Toughest Toils

The title is below

The Lonely Velvet Road

There is hole inside of me, a vacant space, I cannot live with out my own, my story has been faded into dust, I cannot breath, I cannot live anymore, there isn’t a point.

A story of a boy on a string, Never once in his life has he proved them wrong, Never has he felt so kept up, he has been kept up his whole life, and just wants to break free. So many years of deep depression and inner instability makes him what he is today, the scared, the easily angered, and the complicated little boy. Complicated in the sense of he lacks the inner stability that would make his life more simple more motivated more successful. This little boy is me.

He lacked the simple values of courtesy towards his parents; he lacked the will to keep his word. He wanted to help himself more than he wanted to suppress them, he sees no wrong in wanting to break free, he sees no wrong in wanting to help himself , he sees no wrong in being selfish for the moment for he is very, very hurt and tortured by the feeling of never being free. He needs to find the very meaning of his existence, why his play was ever written for him, for the world. Never wanting to be in his position, his life wasn’t intended to be like this, his life that he would have written it would have been more flowery, and yet his father said something about reality to him today, he cannot seem to find meaning in that word, that little boy is me.

He was just interrupted by his mother and now has lost his concentration, he will continue this…I don’t know what he would call it. He will call it a night, and continue tomorrow, he never meant for this to happen, it just did, he has seemingly found something but that something is what is causing him to rebel, restrictions for this break month, to find himself he has to do it on his own, to find something not with the help of his parents or his sibling or a professional, more of something he has to find with the freedom of his break month, all they can do is give me the time to find what’s missing, and what is the filling of the vacant spot, he doesn’t know yet, he needs to find it himself, this little boy must find the screw that holds him together, the meaning in life not practical, but spiritual and more of his inner self. He has to find meaning to the life of this little boy, the reason to go on, to start living again, and to finally not want to die.

(Cont)