The random quotes and blabberins of lee cheung ken

come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

my heart is just too dark to care, i cant destroy what isnt there.

i wish you werent my friend so i could hurt you in the end.

it took the death of hope to let you go.

Lost in every way, but what would i have to do, to be found

i dont understand why i cannot be everything that they wanted, everything that they needed. i dont understand why i must fall for people that love other people already, why cant i love whats right in front of me. why? is she not good enough, no. but for some reason i dont love her, not yet and i dont know when will i. i still love the girl that loves somebody else, all the girls that i have ever loved, currently loves someone else, currently doesnt think of me, they dont even know my existence, they dont care. even if i passed away, they wouldnt care, they wouldnt know. i want to give a testimony to all i have loved, that actually mean something right now, its not like theyd read it so it doesnt matter.

Firstly, she was the one that really really got to me, in such a short time, i cant even type her name out here, its not that i care whether she reads it or not, its like i cant even utter her name, thats how bad it was, thats how much i want to forget that she could have been the next Jil. but i'll try, her name is beautiful, ordinary but beautiful. Sueanne... yeah thats it. i could have been happy, for once. she is with someone else now, he is lucky, he is so goddamned lucky. if i had to explain how and why i fell for her i would have to split this post into 4 sections, but those of you that want to know then please be free to comment. all u have to know is that i tried and didnt get there, once because of a certain someone and secondly because shit happens. i thought about it and i think friends would be good.


Secondly, is my exgirlfriend, oh how i loved her. this name is easy to say, cause i've said it for 2 long years. Her name is Chinlee. I really loved her, right until the end and after i still loved her. i'm disappointed at myself because i couldnt make her love me, she gave me up in a month, 2 years worth of memories gone in month. i hate myself, because in the last months i gave her shit, i gave her ingratitude, i didnt give her attention, i messed up alot, but so did she, she crossed boundaries that a proper gf should not cross. i miss her smile and her laugh, i miss the way she gets manja and annoyed, i miss all that. to explain my love for her it take a long ass post too, i know her rep out there isnt good, but no one knows her like i do, and shes not all that bad, yeah cunning, yeah she mindfucks gao gao but she treated me well, well up to those last months. i hold no grudges to u or your new beau, so please i'm asking you, please dont make it hard on me being around you or around your new friends, please just act as though i am not there, at least just let me be there without seeing your angry/annoyed face. Lets just be friends, its not hard to do.

Yeah for now thats it but i do currently "like" somebody, but the best part is shes also engaged in a relationship with someone, and yes it bums me out, yet again. I still dont understand why, i must love someone who loves someone else. i think i should just stay single for sometime, until i pass on to the other side. goodbye

Something good isnt always something good for you.

sometimes i blog or write down my feelings, i know this sounds uber gay but sometimes i need to write something about somebody most of the times its bad, cynical, sarcastic, whatever but this time its all good. but good doesnt mean for me. if u get what i mean.

 i told u before, she is my sun, but then again u're the moon, ur the thing i see everytime everything gets dark. I know that sounds like i'm using u, but thats not true, i truly do care for u. you're like the thing i hang on to when i see the people i loved before change and become someone i dont know anymore but thats also the reason i cannot give u what u want. But in that flaw, in that injustice, i will always be there for u, youve got me always here. i make u smile i make u laugh, but  i didnt deserve the treats, i didnt deserve that laugh or that smile or those hugs. i didnt deserve u. You're genuinely a good person, u havent had a bad thought in ur mind, not a bad bone in your body. So i have done bad things in my life, i'm complicated but simple as u described it but i'm definitely imperfect. i'm a burden actually. its okay, these past few days i've been disturbing u, being kwai lan as u call it, don pay any attention to me. i'm just a stupid lil boy. I told chin this and she threw it away, i told her that everyday when i wake up i'll see her face and i told her that i'll never stop loving her, and at that time i meant it, truly but then she shifted her attention and gave her love elsewhere, i'm fine with that now but now these things said cannot be resaid so i'll never tell u these lines but i'll tell u that i'll be ur sky so when ever it gets bad for u, u know i've got u, and u know that everytime it seems like there isnt something to look forward to u just gotta look up and there i am. i'll be someone u can look forward to seeing, for whatever purpose, whether to make u smile or to make u laugh, i'll be there. U can count on me, because the sky never lets u down its always there, even if sometimes u cant see it.   I 'm sorry for hurting you, but blame her, not yourself

" i'm used to it "

I have only wanted one thing in this year, i've wished for it. i never ever, ever get what i want. i hate life. i hate everything now, but i will come back and spit in the face of life, life has now produced someone bad, no longer will i care for people, no longer will i care what i do to people, no longer will i care what i say, hate me! i don't care, life has made her real, life is full of shit, i never did anything to deserve this! i deserved it ! why love someone that doesnt love u back! U KNOW WHY? because thats life! and life can go shove it! People are going to ask me why do u hate life? u have it now? i'll say that life can leave me anytime it wants, i'm not stopping it! I will never help another soul ever again. people i dont care for now, people i dont know, people i will know in the future, dont hope much, i will not care. She can say " i'm used to it ma ". Wow people come up to her alot huh, this post is not about her, so screw that! I'll tell u my readers all about in the next post. Oh by the way i know u'll be reading this too so, yeah kudos to u! I'm just going to go throw myself against the wall, and no one else can see the preservation of the martyr in me.

I did my time and I want out, so abusive, fate It doesn't cut, the soul is not so vibrant, the reckoning, the sickening packaging subversion Pseudo Sacrosanct Perversion Go drill your deserts, go dig your graves, then fill your mouth with all the money you will save, sinking in, getting smaller again, i'm done, it has begun, I'm not the only one, i push my fingers into my eyes, thats the only way that slowly stops the ache. If the pain goes on...........

                                                                 

                                                                       

                                                                     

i found hope when i'm let down, but not in me, in you.

i hate it when i know the truths that i dont want to know. I cannot do this anymore. I hate that i'm letting myself down again and again, i hate ruining lives with hope i give and hope i receive. I am truly, and deeply sorry to all i've let down, i just feel like i only want one, no matter what everyone else says, no matter what i have been accused for, i really want to just take that one right now....but i cant. Not if i can control myself. not if i stand by my beliefs but its hard, since i am torn. Since i'm wronged and since i am broken i cannot make the decisions that i have to, that i want, because of the truth, the facts that u're still far away. I wish my life was a song, cause songs, they never die. The decisions are hard the decisions are tough, but sometimes i just dont want to be good, sometimes i want to be bad again, be the person i have tucked away, be the person that everyone hates, but i get what i want. I really want this one, really really. my heart beats are slowing and pain is growing, does he love u? Thats worth knowing. The thing is i know, i'm not going to do it, if i'm conscious if i'm knowing. Unless i can no longer control, no longer bear watching u from a far. I want only happiness for you, even if i'm not. You're like the sun, you have no choice but to shine, i know people cannot see it, its because they're blind but i can, i can. I can hardly speak, no sweet words can come out of my mouth, i can only be what i am, i dont want to be that person no matter what everyone says, i dont want to trick u. i dont want to lie to myself. but whats all this talk about, it is not now. it will never be possible, not now. not when u hear someone elses voice in your head everynight. I wished that all this never happened, i wish i didnt ever tell u anything, i can barely look at you, but every single time i do, i know i can make it anywhere with you. There's always something getting through but its not me, its you.                           Sueanne

And another side of the moon would be i hate that we got ourselves into this mess, i cannot say yes now, because u're related to my past my angry angry past, my shame, and my mistake. i cannot accept the fact that in the future i'd have to be looking at that person in the eye and knowing she broke my heart, took my everything and  threw it into the dumpster. i will never be able to be close to any of u, because of that fact. I was never a really good friend to u all, i only followed what she said, sometimes not to the benefit of u guys. i just hope i dont give u the totally wrong perception, i am telling u now its not because of u, its because of the one that haunts me, the mistake that haunts me. Anything and anyone close to her is and always will be distant, or be made distant by me. i cannot even try to trust, and definitely not commit to anyone that is even the slightest bit close to her. Yeah its over between me and her, and i forgave her already, but i will never forget, never will i forget the mistake i made and the wrong doings that have been directed toward me, never. I never did talk to that person that screwed me over before, never did i forget what he did to me. and i never will. So never should u blame yourself either its not u, but its not totally me either.   Sue