Well that was an angry post.

i dunno why i'm so angry, but i'm not anymore. I dont love her anymore. i just think its the obsession. the possesion, the greatness of being alone while she's fucking around, i'm most angry at the fact she told me and many others that she doesnt want a relationship but in 2 months gets into one. thats all. isnt that fair enough to be angry. i'm going to die soon. thats also a fact. but i dont want to die alone yet i know i cannot have anyone because its unfair leaving that person behind. i really think that i want to be with someone that actually doesnt lie to me, and i swear i will never lie to a person i love again, it hurts too much. The one that got away doesnt matter now cause she got away. i am confident that i'll meet her again someday. But at this moment i want nothing but to be with someone, to care and to be cared for. i really dont want to be alone. not when i'm still here

Hey Yo i don't hate u don't make me.

excuse me i didnt flaunt any of my after break up flings in front of u, i dont hate ur friend, fling, new boyfriend, or whatsoever. why do u still want to hurt me???? cant u just fucking lead ur quiet life and go fuck him without me knowing? cant u just give me some time to let the fuck go, its hard for someone to let the fuck go when its been so long, yet u fucking cunt can let go in 1 month, a FUCKING 2 YEARS RELATIONSHIP WAS ERASED IN 1 MONTH..... FUCK!! YES, u're the biggest mistake of my life, the reason i couldnt fall in love again was because of u, i actually was conned into thinking u could change that u still loved me, u fucking liar! i didnt show anything in front of u!

The angel of my nightmare

Funny how things work out as we all have changed so much after the years go by. I have changed in a good way, i study now, i learn now, i be the person i want to be now. U? hah! u changed in a bad way, a way where u never think of others anymore, u never feel for others anymore, u lie, u cheat, so i lie to u and i treat u the way u deserve, but when i feel like doing a good thing, i buy christmas presents and u show absolutely no appreciation no hug, no kiss, no thank you, no smile, no nothing. i ask myself why i even bought them, even val gave me a hug jesus christ! Well on to sadder things,

U know whats the worst? the saying goes love lost is better than having never to love at all, this girl gave me worst of both worlds, this is not the same girl as above. imagine i love or like or see a future with a person, but things got in the way, i said something i shouldnt have but i was telling the truth, i didnt wanna hide anything, i wanted to see if the person above could change, could be better, but at that moment u were the only thing i was thinking about, and still thinking bout now. although we went out very little, i liked u from day 1. The worst thing? i never got the chance to love u, and i lost it because of something i said. I would have made u see made u feel made u know that love is yours, in front of u and ready for u to embrace, i'll be whoeevr u want me to be, i'd pull the moon for u. i'd come all the way to where ever u are just to see u, even if it was for a minute. If u ever made u feel second best, then i'm sorry i was blind but u were always on my mind. i don't want to be like all the oithers, i want to be someone u don't have to chase, someone who would make u feel like there is nothing more perfect than being and having fun, that money cantt buy. i'm not rich, i'm not popular, but i'd be yours. if thats not enough i'd do anything for me to have a chance to love u and for u to love me back. u're beautiful, and he's so lucky to have u. i never did what u thought i did. i really was sincere and i miss the way u look at me, and also the look u give when i make fun of ur bestie, and how u sound, its the best when i make u smile, cause i feel so proud of myself when that happens. i love the way u think, the way u look without ur make up on. i miss pretending to get to know u when i already feel like i've known u forever. you're new in my life, but i think i'd miss u until i find u again, then i'd be able to love again.

Sueanne

Hope

Funny how i lived through my last ordeal by hoping. Now i realized that it wasn't by hoping but it was by the support of my friends mostly. Some of these friends i've treated some what unfairly but till now i still care and i still love them all. But back to the main point, i have just realized that hope stabs you in the back most of the time and although it helps u go alone your journey but in the end it kills you. So whats the point? I used to say that Hope is the things that leads us through our darkest times and our toughest toils, which i guess was true then. Now? yeah, no, mmmhm not so true after all. times being dark are times made to be dark, toils which are tough are meant to be tough and you know why? because these toils and these times are all made for us to walk on. So hope doesnt help shit, it just makes you think it helps and when u reach your destination all hope is gone except for disappointment, and sadness. If you noticed, then hope is what is fabricated and imagined and if you noticed, a lot of the good feelings are not really there, they're made up to counter the feelings that are really there such as sorrow, anger, disappointment, pain, fear and death. Every one of these has a fabricated counter, if u think about it, if your don't then u can continue living your ignorant life. Its fine because 99% of the people in this place are ignorant so why not you ( person reading ), just follow the flow of the people around u and have your little illusions and continue to embrace false feelings. its alright because its not real.

Learn to embrace the feelings that are thrown at you, for when it gets tough for others then you don't feel so alone.

Being alone, really doesnt matter because millions of people are alone but what matters is having somebody
Never let yourself tear apart the things you love and who love you back.
Lastly, for people like me or used to be like me, then hello, i don't feel lonely anymore

but then again i lie. 

As i wished upon a star, the knife goes through into a scar.

I wish the tears would stop
As i sit in my bed alone
i wish my head would drop
And my heart turn to stone


Nothing could compare to you
when you're singing in your sleep
I wish i would just turn blue
And drown into the deep

I wish there was still hope
In surviving this ordeal
I wish i had a rope
So i can finally feel

I wish this wish comes true
As i would love to die
My pain would be the clue
So now i'm gonna try.

Forgotten, Missed and wrong doings.

Every day i see life as it goes by for the others and i see just that, life.
In my existence i see no life.

Its hard to see every day go by and wonder what would people think when they know they didn't believe me and didnt know that why i went. The people that know don't believe anymore and the people that don't know, will never know. I've told one person recently and she will probably tell people why and how. One person that i've trusted for a long time has betrayed that trust and people that i love i do not trust. So tell me how to i tell people whats wrong and how do i tell people why i have to go? I think I'd rather just get on with it and take my chances because i do not want life i do not want to have to go through with this any longer. Being sick, being tired, being hurt, being dead. i just wish that someone could love me, miss me, hold me and kiss me, make me feel like there is hope, there is something to live for, to wait for and finally to die for, in peace and in happiness. I no longer care for the world, no longer care for what the world can give me and what i can give to the world. I used to love to write, to express my emotions, to be myself in my words, to share my words with others. Now i just write and know that no one would read this, and nobody cares. I don't blame them, i blame myself, its not self pity its more of a realization. Why should others care? so i stopped caring too.

I feel like there are somethings in existence that carry meaning and in mine there are three people that carry meaning.

First, there is the person i regret losing most and that would be a girl, i know that sounds foolish but i feel that it carries meaning. This girl actually meant the world to me, and i would've given her everything but unfortunately i was still too immature for her. Thats the reason i lost her. Being a kid.

Second, there is the person or the one, that got away. It was recent but to many people it seemed like it was a mistake that i probably am not beat up about it. but i am. i could've given everything that couldnt be bought, everything. i would have tried to make her see where we would be going in the next 10 years and even though i would have died for that, i'd do its because i really sincerely did want something from... the idea of having a proper relationship. i wanted some one to love and i found that this person could have been the one who was the one.

Third, the person that was biggest mistake in my life. Also was recent and my mind is still going on and on about this person cause i wouldnt be so fucked up right now if it weren't for her. I sincerely thought that this person was the one i could trust for anything in the world and in the future would have given her everything she would ever dream of. but no, i guess she wanted all that materialism now. She probably couldnt wait, although yeah, i would have passed sooner or later but still i wouldve tried everything, this is what i thought right until the day everything was broken down in one go and every word she ever said, i realized were lies and every thought she ever thought was never about me and as a person, she's not so bad but i guess i made a mistake to love her as much as i did.

All three if these people mean something in my existence, and i find that people who kill themselves are not wrong but are not thinking. The only people that should kill themselves and be right about it are people that have no one, that have nothing and that have no hope and no love, then yes i think it is fair to stub out their existence. But i am not going to kill myself, these people above already did and god already did, so i would not have to.  i'm dead anyway

She listens like spring and talks like June.

I guess she was never meant for me.
but i want her so badly
I guess she thought i was a plain person, same old person that didnt do fun stuff. She has a best friend always sticking up for her. She finally got the chance to sail across the sun, and dance across the light of day. I too could have given her that but i know now that there was a reason she was cold, ignorant. That was because she thought i did something i did not do. I swear on my life i did not do it. I was and am still sincere.

I want to kiss you on a midnight street
Sweep you off your feet
i'll make you sing how life is so sweet
Statements like these could only be for you and no one else
its coz you're special

Sueanne

The Long road out of Hell

As he walks down that road he walks and thinks of the life he once had, he was rich and splashed with joy or so he thought was joy, he loved his money he loved his women but why? why didnt he love himself... he loved all that he could but in the end none of that mattered as he walks this road, this road out of the mouth, out of the darkness into the light. He always told himself that he would reach it someday, someday not too far away. he walked it day by day as he thought why me? After the years passed by and seeing the dead trees live again and die again, he stopped asking why, instead he asked who? who would do this to him, GOD? no God isnt a bad being, so he was told as he grew to be a man, but if God didnt do this then who? Then as the centuries passed by he didnt blame God, he blamed himself, for not loving himself, for not doing what was best for himself, but doing what was best for others, He was told that he should think for others, God praised those who think for others, he worked his job for nearly 20 years thinking for others but in the end he never thought he'd be here, alone.

The devastation of Ben as he walked this road given time to think, time to re-live his life is Gods punishment for his sins. But what sins did he actually commit? Not much, except he believed in the wrong things and listened to the opinion of others and worked in providing answers to others but never himself. Is God this judgmental? I wouldn't know, i am not Ben but I am just another being passing by the life of a lonely Man.

Ben thinks to himself,

" What would i have done if i had not believed in God?"