Every day i see life as it goes by for the others and i see just that, life.
In my existence i see no life.
Its hard to see every day go by and wonder what would people think when they know they didn't believe me and didnt know that why i went. The people that know don't believe anymore and the people that don't know, will never know. I've told one person recently and she will probably tell people why and how. One person that i've trusted for a long time has betrayed that trust and people that i love i do not trust. So tell me how to i tell people whats wrong and how do i tell people why i have to go? I think I'd rather just get on with it and take my chances because i do not want life i do not want to have to go through with this any longer. Being sick, being tired, being hurt, being dead. i just wish that someone could love me, miss me, hold me and kiss me, make me feel like there is hope, there is something to live for, to wait for and finally to die for, in peace and in happiness. I no longer care for the world, no longer care for what the world can give me and what i can give to the world. I used to love to write, to express my emotions, to be myself in my words, to share my words with others. Now i just write and know that no one would read this, and nobody cares. I don't blame them, i blame myself, its not self pity its more of a realization. Why should others care? so i stopped caring too.
I feel like there are somethings in existence that carry meaning and in mine there are three people that carry meaning.
First, there is the person i regret losing most and that would be a girl, i know that sounds foolish but i feel that it carries meaning. This girl actually meant the world to me, and i would've given her everything but unfortunately i was still too immature for her. Thats the reason i lost her. Being a kid.
Second, there is the person or the one, that got away. It was recent but to many people it seemed like it was a mistake that i probably am not beat up about it. but i am. i could've given everything that couldnt be bought, everything. i would have tried to make her see where we would be going in the next 10 years and even though i would have died for that, i'd do its because i really sincerely did want something from... the idea of having a proper relationship. i wanted some one to love and i found that this person could have been the one who was the one.
Third, the person that was biggest mistake in my life. Also was recent and my mind is still going on and on about this person cause i wouldnt be so fucked up right now if it weren't for her. I sincerely thought that this person was the one i could trust for anything in the world and in the future would have given her everything she would ever dream of. but no, i guess she wanted all that materialism now. She probably couldnt wait, although yeah, i would have passed sooner or later but still i wouldve tried everything, this is what i thought right until the day everything was broken down in one go and every word she ever said, i realized were lies and every thought she ever thought was never about me and as a person, she's not so bad but i guess i made a mistake to love her as much as i did.
All three if these people mean something in my existence, and i find that people who kill themselves are not wrong but are not thinking. The only people that should kill themselves and be right about it are people that have no one, that have nothing and that have no hope and no love, then yes i think it is fair to stub out their existence. But i am not going to kill myself, these people above already did and god already did, so i would not have to. i'm dead anyway
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