My life is a lie

I no longer have inspiration to do anything anymore. i want this to end. i want to die. I guess naturally wont do anymore. I want to end this now.

I learnt today that nobody stands with me. People are cruel and unkind. No matter who they are. Parents, siblings and the people out there. They stab u at the back and they smile in your face and when u catch them doing it they start screaming at u and tell u its your fault. The worst feeling for me now is to have someone promise me they are by my side and then stab me in the back. Someone u respect and idolize. Someone who smiles at you and with you everyday when watching u grow up. I respected you, you were my brother. Now that's gone too.


Now i know dad, u would do anything to get what you want. Every despicable way to get what you want and cut every corner to achieve what u need. Compassion, kindred associations, unconditional love and pride are alien to you.

All your talks on religion, understanding, trust and integrity are all lies. For you have not shown any of these qualities. Ever. Religion? Hah! Religious people do not act the way u act. I wake up in shit everyday of my life now because of you. I will never be a person of worth now because of you.

You have taught me how to never be a father.

I wont have the opportunity now. To correct the mistakes u have made.

Ah and the inspiration fades from me now...

We have around 100 days left in my tank and after that i would be able to take the pain anymore. Goodbye.

My Perfect Time

Sejujurnya diriku masih mengharapkan mu. Still i have the pain i have to carry, 1 and a half years since i lost you and i cant begin to imagine if i had no hope of finding u again. I have loved you more than you could have ever known. i miss all of our hearts, our ups and our downs i miss u and all of your faults. Your faults are now to me ur best features. I cannot imagine how much pain ive gone through i cannot explain how many times ive died in my sleep, ow many times ive died when im awake. My mind is dead already, i cannot think i cannot live with the hope i hang on to and that hope is slowly but surely slipping away. i miss everything about u, and i hate that i have to say it. i hate it.


You were my perfect time, when we were all together and time passed ever so slowly. That was my perfect time. When i felt that my world revolved around yours and yours around mine. No one really reads this blog so it doesnt really matter. You are my everything now seeing your name on Facebook or on my phone, is devastating i left early that day its because i couldnt bare being around you. Lim Chin Lee. Spelling your name out sends shivers to my mind, to my bones and it stricken-ed my soul.  Im broken now but you were always my perfect time, and always will be. I want u to to know this, i hope u can see my words to u. I hope u will see this one day i hope that you would care. I really fucking miss you. If you would just talk to me! if i could just be near u, be ur friend i would do it. Anything u wish of me i'd be it whetehr it be a friend or a lover or a brother i'd be there. I just need u near me. I need u. Thats all i'll ever need. My perfect time.  


If i would meet u speak to u again, my words would be" Hello, ive missed u. wanna go for some lunch? then maybe we could catch up with our lives again and maybe just maybe i could learn how to live again" Her reply would be " HAH?! WHAT AH?" " Aw okay lo" and i would just smile.

If i could turn back time..i'd write a song and i'd sing it to you all those years ago.

i miss you so damn much, i really want to die.

i want to be back 3 years ago i want to be there and never leave i want it all back... give me one day just before i die.

The sincerity of the heart, and the darkness inside.

Show your worth, show that u're really sincere. I am but i cant show it, because i am weak and i am fragile and if i show u my mind and my heart, it'll break instantly. For i am broken already, for i am crushed by every cold shoulder, every passing eye and every shattering truth that reality throws at me. I am silent as of now for i do not want to be those idiots thriving for your body. En contra, I am thriving and seeking your mind and ultimately, your heart. I miss your smile. I miss how you're so stupid yet smart. I miss how u cant tell when i mean it or not. So this is for you as promised, straight from my heart.

The flowers bloom in my mind

When all the light doesn't shine

Funny how it is, I cannot see

That you dont see me

My heart wants this bad

but the world wants to see me sad

I hope and thats all i can do

Oh yes beautiful hope, please would u see me through

Belong to him you do

My hands are held out so true

I cannot be that man no more

Stealing hearts that i adore

Stealing away theirs fates

from their unsuspecting mates

I cannot do that no more

A window close and then opens a door

But love is selfish, love is cruel

Love is kind only to a fool

How can i find deep inside

Enough love for me to confide

To you the secrets of my mind

To you the passion of my kind

Will i be sober, and will i fight

Or will i run scattered into the night

In doubt i wait

In fear i state

As my heart bleeds

Your mind it feeds

Finally I end this little post

On a summer island coast

I am waiting empty inside

To find that my mind had already died,

Ni                                                                                                                                                                                                       kk

                                                                                                               i

 

Heartache and pain came pourin down like hail sleet and rain.

flaming rocks raining from the sky
like the devil when to heaven and wanted to cry
so i stumble there along the railings and the fences
hoping she'll come back to her senses

lights shining into my face
as she stumbles i give her the chase
and she holds me, whispers to me
of how much of an asshole i can be.

She wants me to be true
i act like i want it too
but deep inside i cant, i know i have to hide
hide the secrets i have inside

Cannot let her know i'm dead
that i died in the future instead
Cannot let her see my insides
insides of the dark and broken lights

My memories are scattered by the wind
All that i have seen and all i have sinned
The burial grounds of my mind
Lie here in this poem, and here i will dine

Dine on the flesh and security of you
You and your thoughts and all you hold true
Tear you limb from limb and eat your heart
The heart you hold so true like an apple fucking tart

But time and time again as i hold u in the dance floor
I put off these urges, i lock it up and close the door
because you mean the world to me
But who am i but another dead and evil zombie.

Goodbye my darling, i'll see you later
That's what i say as i step out of that crater
The meteor is my love for her smile and her laugh
I take my leave and i feed myself with one of the club's staff

I'll miss you my love and i take my leave
Those were the only words i was able to achieve
 My heart was saying " Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend"
Goodbye my life, i hope you understand.

Have the dying winds passed, have the moonless mornings shed its skin?

Under the the sky on darkest winds
have i the strength to carry these sins
may it be bright or sunny
digging these graves for a little money

roman troops head for the sky
as they soar blue tears they cry
feeling for a kingdom come
never to arrive the noises are dumb

we cannot see the sky ahead
no not like this in the river so dead
heading down this road so cold
how do u think our lives unfold

Someone see's a soul pass by
alone again its eyes awry
someone so close has thrown him away
into the cold, hard, stormy day

Never chosen to be the chosen one
our souls pass by the morning sun
Have you seen my soul anywhere
this heart torn boy his soul lay bare

remember always why u left this boy
remember always who u made a toy
and when we die we will always know
what we reap and what we sow

Time will tell but i know now
im not falling nor will i bow
u now know its not me u miss
so there will be no hugs, no words and no kiss

Remind me how, where and why
would i want to live your little lie
I am not your second place
i warn u now u will miss my adoring face

Someone never wants to be
to be caged and never set free
u are a cold blooded creature
still young, still fresh, so many features

I tell u now i will not play
play second fiddle in your deaf fray
Continue to treat me as you know
but let me tell u, u reap what u sow.