Verlassen und Allein

When i asked god why he abandoned me, he answered that he never did
When i said i'm sure he left me to be eaten by life's cruel cold people.
He said he did. He also so said he left me to go save my family and my friends.
When i asked him why would he play the guilt trip on me. He said he is telling the truth
I said He is contradicting his answers.
He said he never left my side, because he was never there to begin with.
I said that god promised there'd be two pairs of footsteps in the sand His and mine but there is only one
But then he said that those footsteps were His and he has been carrying me all my life.
I believe in no one religion, I believe that they were all right. I believe that God gave me eyes. ears and mind
To believe in what ever i wanted. I believe there is a God
But does he believe in me?
Not right now, not when i'm lonely, no i dont feel he is here. When i'm sad he turns away.
But when i do wrong he is there with his cane and whip. I am alone even though he carries me.
I am still alone . When i dry my tears
When i dry the tears from my skin.
I am alone, tears come from my mouth
I am alone, when i bleed from my mind.
And i am alone in my cries for help
I am alone.

I told u not to ruin this.

no more, no more times will i show weakness. no more times will show attempts on my soul. i've shown u what many have not seen...i am not weak! i will never be again. So u will now see, a part of me that u will hate that u will despise. Partly because u brought it back. u brought this monster back. I will make life terrible for others because life was terrible for me. i will only protect those who i deem my people. i will break those who are not. 

People dont actually read this to know more about me...they dont care. They want to know what happened? They want to know why i'm how i am. I allowed u back into my life not so long ago, i didnt want to but something urged me on... and yeah maybe i wasnt ready but i poured out how i felt and then she became cold, yeah but she did already tell me that i was special to her...well sorta la.... so i felt safe to tell her how much....a hint of desperation la...but i was drunk....drunk people show much weakness sigh... u were my one last hope to redemption. I'd treat u like as if u are the only one i had ever met in my life. I guess u were never meant for me. I am hollow again..... if i cant find strength in myself, who can? But that doesnt mean i must show weakness. I didnt ruin anything... why didnt u just tell me straight and stop mucking around. Dont blame me for doing things u could not have done yourself, if u had someone else tell me, dont keep me in the dark, u pushed me waay too far. so why dont u blame urself, for being weak...not being strong enuff to face your own decisions. i was only being true...so if being true ruins things...then i shall never be again shall i...people learn from their mistakes. u should too. Make amends if u wish i will probably call u in a months time or so... Last time ok yc...last time.