Wreck

This is the first post in 3 years.

I've refrained from posting here in the longest time. It's because this is the place is where all of my greatest pains reside. I've left so many memories in the dust here. I've refused to think about the pain, about the pride lost. The graveness of everything I've ever held dear; is in this place.

Today is another one of those moments, which I have to deposit here.

You came into my life as a gift

Came without sorrow, warning or thrift

They said no and I said yes

I was willing to take every test

Willing to do what it took

Bleed, cry, fight and cook

And you gave me your heart

I cherished it right from the start

But you take it away

At any time of day

Then it comes to me again'

And I feel the straining pain

Of never keeping in at bay

Never being able to make it stay

You say you trust my whole

But never have you questioned my soul

I will leave my heart at the door, wont say a word

They've all been said before

All I ask is this, if this is my last night with you

Hold me like i'm more than just a friend, give me a memory i can use

I'm scared of what is coming next

I'm scared of the times that I have nothing left

No one's known me like you do

And since you're the only one that matters, now who do i run to?

Hold my hand, and lets do what lovers do.

All of this is because; it matters how this ends

Cause what if I never love again?

Charmaine Marn Ri Hui.  

As she touches his chest now and he takes of her dress.

i think we live for the silence

the silence that everybody tells us to avoid

that awkward silence

I think that moment lasts forever

and we capture memories and memoirs in the simplicity of it

then we toss it away because the moment was over

with you, the moment is never over and we can never move on

with you the answers lay awake and lie in our faces

more so with you than with me

i had meant this to be romantic

because romance is what im best at

but i guess it didnt turn out the way i'd planned it to be

i guess that everything didnt turn out as planned

because you passed the moment away

and i stand here wishing, that i had too.

You are nothing, but everything at the same time

the trees grow and the fires burn
but i want the keys of life to turn
turn the wheels that push the sky
Skies that turn to dust when they cry

how long can one endure life without the sky
how long can one endure life without a lie
i wish i could see all the answers of the world
i wish i could hear the pleas of the twirl

i really wanna go to a place so perfect and pure
after im done here i can go and do some more
im really lost now confused and spinning round and round
waiting for someone to save me like a princess about to drown

Oh im a girl im a coward and and a lie
im a lil princess hanging, about to die
waiting for knights to come so i can steal their soul
to fill my heart of stone, to feed my head with coal

This is what someone has said to me today
i am but a boy, playing the world of clay
The girl i wish to save thinks of me as not
not a boy, not a man, rather a pretty pussy pot

i cannot say much as i am here and now
this is because im done, here to take a bow
u can think as u wish, and i can be who i am
im a man wishing for too much, too much of what i am

u can call me names, tell me im not good enough
u can tell me that u need all the diamonds in the rough
but i can only reach thus far, because i am but a jest
to save u now, oh a damsel in distress,

U are everything but u want to be nothing
So now i will tell u nothing, to give u everything
I will not be a girl, i will be a knight
so one day i can sweep u off into the light

But i feel i cannot.
Cannot give you all u sought
because again as u said, im but a princess
a damsel in distress.

Eternal slumber

i miss you. i miss your terribly. With tears rolling down my cheeks, muscles straining and funny sounds coming from my mouth, i miss you. Quivering in darkness of my mind once again made lonely by the absence of you. The last three months however tormenting was in actuality, bliss for my soul and i had hoped for more than empty words of trial and tribulations. I had hoped that you would have tried harder or even longer.... I wished in all my soul that we could grow old together and as i am writing this now, i am crying like a little boy. Tears in this has resulted from me being hopeful again when i had swore never to be, after my heart got shattered into dust just 3 years before and now, after trying drastically to put it together it has been vaporized once again. I now can no longer feel warm. I can no longer feel anything. I wanted to make things right. i wanted to help you change yourself into something better. Fix your family, fix your friends and fix Justin. With fixing your family, our new family can be formed and your path to a career can be formed too. With fixing your friends, bonds and memories can be created and with fixing Justin, I could have time with you and him and never have to choose. We had to sacrifice seeing each other for a while. I dont understand why distance has to affect our love. I love you all the same no matter the distance, in fact, i'd love you more with distance. But i guess u had just decided not to try. I had let go of everything and gave i all to u and u decide not to try. i dont wanna go on. i dont wanna live this wretched life. I am going away. im going to my eternal slumber now. Good bye.    

Oh Dear I must have gave u the answer!

When we write we write in black
All the stories our lives are lacked
Can you see the dashes and strokes
or the commas written in jokes

Some times we see the end of time
when a full stop tries to end the rhyme
I would much rather be a pause
Why oh why? Oh, Just... Because!

Because sometimes we see no end
so a comma comes in and lends a hand
a comma means there is some more
even when life closes the door

You may see me as now and then
You may see me as a friend
But when u look, look again
maybe somewhere there is a frame

a frame that leads your heart to me
a comma to be, full stops a three
We will never ever stop
creating a discovery on the roofs atop

For the future holds what i do not know
Im sure there will be many highs and many lows
But does not matter where we are
Like the punctuation, on the bar.

We are but commas, and exclamations!
But we're never structured, in formations
We go where ever and when ever
Its funny that we last forever

So Cynthia dear what do u say
Should we take the leap and fly away?
Or should we go deep in  pens Blue
Or to the Black that we hold so true

Sometimes there gonna be some red
but baby i hope, its not on the bed
Keep my heart close, dont let it crack
and remember dear, to write in black

Crossing hearts

u keep sayin that i repeat everything ive said to every other girl but u dont know that these girls are like the stars and im only waiting for one star to end my endless search for the sun. .

The sun is a star, bright as can be
Its never too far, but far as it may be
I can see it, everyday and sometimes at night
But into the fray, my fists they fight

You are to me, the brightest light
You are to me, the darkest night
i can no longer see, for this way to go
i can no longer be, this boat i row

i can never tell what is true or false
what is tinkerbell and what is claus
my eyes are dark, deafening silence
my mouth a shark, blocking entrance

Funny how i love you so
and carry my heart for you to throw
break or bend, i do not care
my heart to you, i will share

Even though its all broken
they will still be a token
for you to hold, for u to break
for you to put on a birthday cake

i give u all my trust above
i will still be there, my love
Through the dark and lonely night
I will still, try to be your light

To guide the way however lost
to give you love no matter the cost
remember this, my love to you
is in this poem, i hold so true

 

You deserve it. End of Story

i wrote this the day u went away.

I know i fucked up in some way and the only things a=i could think of is these few things. and i will rectify them now,

Your sister left you when u needed her the most. I will never. I will always be by your side. I'll be your sky so whenever you look up. I'll be there to catch you.

Your past boyfriend locked you up and that past week i know you kinda felt that way. Never again. I'll bring you out and nobody is going to ever tell me different because they're gonna have to accept it. They're gonna have to accept you because i said so, and they should love you because i love everything about u. Everything.

end.

I'm sorry. If u dont think u deserve me. I think differently. I dont care if u think u dont. I think you do. if you really say that you've fallen for me, then prove it. Dont run away. Dont be in denial. Prove it. Cause i swear if u back out and leave unknowingly of how it might have worked out, i will be in so much pain. Pain u cant imagine. So if you ever think that you're gonna be bad for me, then think again cause without u, it's gonna be worse. I love you baby. No matter what i still will. Forever and ever babe.

Dead inside

I feel like the title of this post. I feel hollow and i feel like i cant see the future anymore. This is not because of you, i know that.... you were the catalyst, u made it happen but you're not the cause. i have been the pillar of strength for so many that i forget how it is to be strong, not appear strong. it happened to me long before this. I am lost and i want to be found. but there is nobody. I dont blame u. I was stupid as fuck to believe that i was special. i should stop doing that. i am not special to anyone. Nor will i ever be. This poem is about me and how i see the world.  It cant stop. I will no longer be able to stop those thoughts and death is creeping up to me now. Again and again i try to stop it, but i cant. No not anymore. I wont stop it anymore.

i cant look up at the sky
it bleeds it cries cries cries
i cant see the sun
i can no longer run run run

i can no longer feel
my hair fall or my skin peel
i feel the songs about to end
no change of heart to bend

i think he's coming to get me
i can feel him, close as can be
creeping he is, slowly churning
pulling me down, lovely burning

i cant write anymore, no more.. i will finish this soon... i cant now...i just cant.

The Wind

Very simple i can see
that your smile has set me free
So much so i know the pain
of not being able to feel again

i felt so much within this time
so much so i can no longer rhyme
so the airs i breathe can no longer be
the air that you should share with me

u made me laugh, u made me smile
and all i could think was u, for awhile
and then u go, like the wind
disappearing from under my skin

the trees will continue to grow
but im sure u will continue to blow
the winds u are and shall never stop
even when the misty mountains drop

there are people who say out loud
that the wind blows loud and proud
the way we see the world will die
is when the wind tells a lie

what became of loud and proud
the people would say its just a cloud
promising all, ever joy
leaves me a dry and lonely boy

i'd kill those people who told me lies
who sent me out here to die
and this is my, last protest
before i stab this knife to my chest

Before i go, i throw the blame
you should really be ashamed
of all the lies u told to me
about never having the need to leave

i cant take 4 more years
of these warm, bloody tears
this is my last goodbye
hey at least i can say i tried

the warmth i miss
the wanted kiss
the voice so tender
the dead befriender

i want so much for the winds to stop
where i am on the roofs atop
take away, this breaking pain
so much, so i can feel again.
Cynthia

All the perfects, perfecting away

perfect....that word passes me by everyday of my life. I let perfect go by every 3 months or so. Im so happy for you but also im unhappy....Im unhappy now because what is true is always alone....so the truth is loneliness. Thats the truth. I will never find anyone as good and that accepts me for who i am... and that, says alot.

Today my best friend got what he wanted, what he really wanted for all his life he has wanted it. I on the other hand felt abandoned. I felt as though as i am alone now in this world. He left me there to find somrthing i could never find. He found it and im extremely happy for him. I keep like i accomplished an impossible task and then i realized that it wasnt that impossible. I now realize that getting my own... is impossible and i feel abandoned. i feel like i will never find perfect. I feel like crying. I feel like dying. This feeling wont go away.... Not now and i feel...not ever. I keep watching people pass by in packages and im just sitting around alone and waiting for the bus that never arrives.

My life is a lie

I no longer have inspiration to do anything anymore. i want this to end. i want to die. I guess naturally wont do anymore. I want to end this now.

I learnt today that nobody stands with me. People are cruel and unkind. No matter who they are. Parents, siblings and the people out there. They stab u at the back and they smile in your face and when u catch them doing it they start screaming at u and tell u its your fault. The worst feeling for me now is to have someone promise me they are by my side and then stab me in the back. Someone u respect and idolize. Someone who smiles at you and with you everyday when watching u grow up. I respected you, you were my brother. Now that's gone too.


Now i know dad, u would do anything to get what you want. Every despicable way to get what you want and cut every corner to achieve what u need. Compassion, kindred associations, unconditional love and pride are alien to you.

All your talks on religion, understanding, trust and integrity are all lies. For you have not shown any of these qualities. Ever. Religion? Hah! Religious people do not act the way u act. I wake up in shit everyday of my life now because of you. I will never be a person of worth now because of you.

You have taught me how to never be a father.

I wont have the opportunity now. To correct the mistakes u have made.

Ah and the inspiration fades from me now...

We have around 100 days left in my tank and after that i would be able to take the pain anymore. Goodbye.

My Perfect Time

Sejujurnya diriku masih mengharapkan mu. Still i have the pain i have to carry, 1 and a half years since i lost you and i cant begin to imagine if i had no hope of finding u again. I have loved you more than you could have ever known. i miss all of our hearts, our ups and our downs i miss u and all of your faults. Your faults are now to me ur best features. I cannot imagine how much pain ive gone through i cannot explain how many times ive died in my sleep, ow many times ive died when im awake. My mind is dead already, i cannot think i cannot live with the hope i hang on to and that hope is slowly but surely slipping away. i miss everything about u, and i hate that i have to say it. i hate it.


You were my perfect time, when we were all together and time passed ever so slowly. That was my perfect time. When i felt that my world revolved around yours and yours around mine. No one really reads this blog so it doesnt really matter. You are my everything now seeing your name on Facebook or on my phone, is devastating i left early that day its because i couldnt bare being around you. Lim Chin Lee. Spelling your name out sends shivers to my mind, to my bones and it stricken-ed my soul.  Im broken now but you were always my perfect time, and always will be. I want u to to know this, i hope u can see my words to u. I hope u will see this one day i hope that you would care. I really fucking miss you. If you would just talk to me! if i could just be near u, be ur friend i would do it. Anything u wish of me i'd be it whetehr it be a friend or a lover or a brother i'd be there. I just need u near me. I need u. Thats all i'll ever need. My perfect time.  


If i would meet u speak to u again, my words would be" Hello, ive missed u. wanna go for some lunch? then maybe we could catch up with our lives again and maybe just maybe i could learn how to live again" Her reply would be " HAH?! WHAT AH?" " Aw okay lo" and i would just smile.

If i could turn back time..i'd write a song and i'd sing it to you all those years ago.

i miss you so damn much, i really want to die.

i want to be back 3 years ago i want to be there and never leave i want it all back... give me one day just before i die.

The sincerity of the heart, and the darkness inside.

Show your worth, show that u're really sincere. I am but i cant show it, because i am weak and i am fragile and if i show u my mind and my heart, it'll break instantly. For i am broken already, for i am crushed by every cold shoulder, every passing eye and every shattering truth that reality throws at me. I am silent as of now for i do not want to be those idiots thriving for your body. En contra, I am thriving and seeking your mind and ultimately, your heart. I miss your smile. I miss how you're so stupid yet smart. I miss how u cant tell when i mean it or not. So this is for you as promised, straight from my heart.

The flowers bloom in my mind

When all the light doesn't shine

Funny how it is, I cannot see

That you dont see me

My heart wants this bad

but the world wants to see me sad

I hope and thats all i can do

Oh yes beautiful hope, please would u see me through

Belong to him you do

My hands are held out so true

I cannot be that man no more

Stealing hearts that i adore

Stealing away theirs fates

from their unsuspecting mates

I cannot do that no more

A window close and then opens a door

But love is selfish, love is cruel

Love is kind only to a fool

How can i find deep inside

Enough love for me to confide

To you the secrets of my mind

To you the passion of my kind

Will i be sober, and will i fight

Or will i run scattered into the night

In doubt i wait

In fear i state

As my heart bleeds

Your mind it feeds

Finally I end this little post

On a summer island coast

I am waiting empty inside

To find that my mind had already died,

Ni                                                                                                                                                                                                       kk

                                                                                                               i

 

Heartache and pain came pourin down like hail sleet and rain.

flaming rocks raining from the sky
like the devil when to heaven and wanted to cry
so i stumble there along the railings and the fences
hoping she'll come back to her senses

lights shining into my face
as she stumbles i give her the chase
and she holds me, whispers to me
of how much of an asshole i can be.

She wants me to be true
i act like i want it too
but deep inside i cant, i know i have to hide
hide the secrets i have inside

Cannot let her know i'm dead
that i died in the future instead
Cannot let her see my insides
insides of the dark and broken lights

My memories are scattered by the wind
All that i have seen and all i have sinned
The burial grounds of my mind
Lie here in this poem, and here i will dine

Dine on the flesh and security of you
You and your thoughts and all you hold true
Tear you limb from limb and eat your heart
The heart you hold so true like an apple fucking tart

But time and time again as i hold u in the dance floor
I put off these urges, i lock it up and close the door
because you mean the world to me
But who am i but another dead and evil zombie.

Goodbye my darling, i'll see you later
That's what i say as i step out of that crater
The meteor is my love for her smile and her laugh
I take my leave and i feed myself with one of the club's staff

I'll miss you my love and i take my leave
Those were the only words i was able to achieve
 My heart was saying " Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend"
Goodbye my life, i hope you understand.

Have the dying winds passed, have the moonless mornings shed its skin?

Under the the sky on darkest winds
have i the strength to carry these sins
may it be bright or sunny
digging these graves for a little money

roman troops head for the sky
as they soar blue tears they cry
feeling for a kingdom come
never to arrive the noises are dumb

we cannot see the sky ahead
no not like this in the river so dead
heading down this road so cold
how do u think our lives unfold

Someone see's a soul pass by
alone again its eyes awry
someone so close has thrown him away
into the cold, hard, stormy day

Never chosen to be the chosen one
our souls pass by the morning sun
Have you seen my soul anywhere
this heart torn boy his soul lay bare

remember always why u left this boy
remember always who u made a toy
and when we die we will always know
what we reap and what we sow

Time will tell but i know now
im not falling nor will i bow
u now know its not me u miss
so there will be no hugs, no words and no kiss

Remind me how, where and why
would i want to live your little lie
I am not your second place
i warn u now u will miss my adoring face

Someone never wants to be
to be caged and never set free
u are a cold blooded creature
still young, still fresh, so many features

I tell u now i will not play
play second fiddle in your deaf fray
Continue to treat me as you know
but let me tell u, u reap what u sow.

Change

will i be granted change of heart just as soon as she has a change of mind?

too late too late if she changes then, too late.

iire ithil coiasira elen re ar' tindomerel 

lohst 

goth l

ambe nwalme




it translates " when moon comes, day and night my enemy will torment me with words and i will not survive"


For when the time to change is lost, then forever the torture will last. For doubt in the mind will ask what if, "what if" i did change for the better what if i listened when it mattered, what if i made him proud before he was gone to the world and more importantly from me. 

It is these times

it is times like these i like to play

play with my heart and toss the hay

it is times like these where i think of you

you, the only one i have held true

It is times like these i want to hold your hand

Hand you everything, everything in the land

It is times like these i look into your heart

Heart of stone made me go off the charts

It is times like these when i see your eyes

eyes so bright they strew over the skies

It is times like these my heart jumps up

Up into the sky, and the world says goodbye

It is times like these i want to cry

cry when all i see is when u lie

It is the times when u feel like you're not good enough

enough for me and i tell u , u are as i make u laugh

It is times like these i pray

pray that u love me every single day

It is times like these i want to say i do

I do, i do, i do. I do want to love you

Sometimes, i feel i already do

already do love you.

Butterfly

The 5 senses

i made a question up yesterday and asked it to my student. Was with the fling yesterday (Kylie). Taught her some English Lit... thought her how to think. Free your mind. So now i\m going to free my own for 1 post on the same question.


Every human beings has 5 senses, some have 6. This essay will include how you feel everyday using your 5 senses and how feel while using these senses. This essay should include how you feel and how does this influence you personally. The senses would be sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. 450 words 5% over under.

The world is great, the world is fair. No i would disagree but when man was at its early stages, when languages were born and when we as human beings could think and learn by seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting or smelling, this is when we know that we are gifted as human beings we are able to choose between right and wrong. When we were children, the sight of things were important and the tastes were important. This is because we didnt know how anything else felt, we only knew the existence of these said tastes and sights and we harbored on them. As we grew older, we learnt that not everything that appears visually beautiful is beautiful. This is because the beauty is in the insides and if inside is not beautiful, then the outside no longer matters. Today i'm going to go on about how i feel when i use my senses and how they bring me joy without even having to do anything but their basic operations. They just have to work and i guess my mind does everything else.

I structured my essay in this way so it is easier for you to read it. Firstly, comes sight. The sight of things when they catch my eye, everyday life just passing by. Everything that i see is beautiful, and this is because i make it beautiful. I am short sighted and i cant see things from afar but that in its own context is already beautiful. The blurred lines as i try to see a signboard from afar, or looking at a girl that i think is pretty but can't really tell. The blur from my visual impairment is actually quite fascinating as bright lights are brighter and evil is blurred. I see with my mind, i paint pictures, i follow my mind in the places i have imagined and the colors of my mind is the fundamental element to the inspiration of my art.

TBC   

The lord took her away from me

she's gone to heaven so i gotta be good, so i can see my baby when i leave this world.