Echoes of Eternity

Change

2011-12-23T05:16:00.000-08:00

will i be granted change of heart just as soon as she has a change of mind?

too late too late if she changes then, too late.

iire ithil coiasira elen re ar' tindomerel

lohst

goth l
ambe nwalme

it translates " when moon comes, day and night my enemy will torment me with words and i will not survive"

For when the time to change is lost, then forever the torture will last. For doubt in the mind will ask what if, "what if" i did change for the better what if i listened when it mattered, what if i made him proud before he was gone to the world and more importantly from me.

It is these times

2011-11-19T04:43:00.000-08:00

it is times like these i like to play

play with my heart and toss the hay

it is times like these where i think of you

you, the only one i have held true

It is times like these i want to hold your hand

Hand you everything, everything in the land

It is times like these i look into your heart

Heart of stone made me go off the charts

It is times like these when i see your eyes

eyes so bright they strew over the skies

It is times like these my heart jumps up

Up into the sky, and the world says goodbye

It is times like these i want to cry

cry when all i see is when u lie

It is the times when u feel like you're not good enough

enough for me and i tell u , u are as i make u laugh

It is times like these i pray

pray that u love me every single day

It is times like these i want to say i do

I do, i do, i do. I do want to love you

Sometimes, i feel i already do

already do love you.

Butterfly

The 5 senses

2011-11-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

i made a question up yesterday and asked it to my student. Was with the fling yesterday (Kylie). Taught her some English Lit... thought her how to think. Free your mind. So now i\m going to free my own for 1 post on the same question.

Every human beings has 5 senses, some have 6. This essay will include how you feel everyday using your 5 senses and how feel while using these senses. This essay should include how you feel and how does this influence you personally. The senses would be sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. 450 words 5% over under.

The world is great, the world is fair. No i would disagree but when man was at its early stages, when languages were born and when we as human beings could think and learn by seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting or smelling, this is when we know that we are gifted as human beings we are able to choose between right and wrong. When we were children, the sight of things were important and the tastes were important. This is because we didnt know how anything else felt, we only knew the existence of these said tastes and sights and we harbored on them. As we grew older, we learnt that not everything that appears visually beautiful is beautiful. This is because the beauty is in the insides and if inside is not beautiful, then the outside no longer matters. Today i'm going to go on about how i feel when i use my senses and how they bring me joy without even having to do anything but their basic operations. They just have to work and i guess my mind does everything else.

I structured my essay in this way so it is easier for you to read it. Firstly, comes sight. The sight of things when they catch my eye, everyday life just passing by. Everything that i see is beautiful, and this is because i make it beautiful. I am short sighted and i cant see things from afar but that in its own context is already beautiful. The blurred lines as i try to see a signboard from afar, or looking at a girl that i think is pretty but can't really tell. The blur from my visual impairment is actually quite fascinating as bright lights are brighter and evil is blurred. I see with my mind, i paint pictures, i follow my mind in the places i have imagined and the colors of my mind is the fundamental element to the inspiration of my art.

TBC

The lord took her away from me

2011-10-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

she's gone to heaven so i gotta be good, so i can see my baby when i leave this world.

Little lines of sand on the month where the sun goes down.

2011-10-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

The sun comes down today, and everyday after i will take
Take the days like there was sun, and how bright the sun will make
Make all the days so bright as though there was sun light
Never believing that here every day is a night.

Every day is dark inside this head of mine
Yet everyday i tell her i'm fine
She makes me smile and i do
but the lack of light makes my mind so blue

I'm running out of time, my days are short
And i will miss everyone, miss every one alot
he beckons, he beckons me
he beckons my mind, oh when? when will i be free

Too many times my body lies awake
Too many times these pills i take
I must hold on, for me and for you
I must hold on, to tell u i love you

And i wake up and feel like i'm in a dream
realizing that there is no more time, no life to deem
and realizing that i've never told u before i went
i regret that all those times with u i spent

why did i have to meet u
meet u when i had to face problems so true
I wake up realizing that i love everything, everything thats true
I died the very next day knowing that i never told u.

Boss della mafia, assassini strega e 19 ° secolo, assassini di massa.

2011-10-26T04:32:00.000-07:00

walk me through the night oh you cute little boy
walk me through and through and i'll give u a toy.
you see that car little boy? That car far away
Thats where we'll go and thats where you'll stay.

Look my queen that there! that Lady!
she is alive but yet a little shady
She is a witch of yes she is!
Do not let her disappear into the mist!

Could i go now sir my beloved boss?
Or do u want me to stay and clean the lost?
Ray J boy dont be foolish u can go and take this body with you
Love to chat boys but ya'll gotta go clean all this mess up take that body too
Everybody is my famillia. no one is left behind
Once bitten twice shy thrice the answer u wouldnt want to find
Never have i left this chair, i like its strength i like the way it feels
Every people oh, they think i'm real!

Hear no pain,See no pain

2011-10-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

the barren fields of my mind have been messed with these days, the perplexed foundation of my intuition has been tested. Do i live my life all over again, going through the things i have been through all over again. I dont want to but and then again someone makes me want to. It has been wonderland all over again for me in a limbo of repetition and adrenaline. Hope? no not much because too many secrets have been revealed too much tactics have been predicted. It all actually comes down to the time I want to spend with you, the time that i dont wanna hear the things u and him do or the times i dont wanna know how good he is. i wanna see u smile, i wanna see u laugh and i wanna see u look at me the way u look at me when u think i'm not looking. The constructions of a relationship comes from the comfort and stability of emotions. When the person with less baggage is to accept a person with more then it makes it unfair, even though the person is willing to accept it. I miss the life where i didnt need to care about how long i had left that everyday is waning down to the last. So i dont care whether u have him or not i dont care whether he knows or doesnt i only care about the light i see when u're around about the life i dream about with someone like u. Sometimes i doubt it sometimes i think u're right. The up's i can imagine would be very up but the downs the downs are the things i worry, that i'd break u because i'd break myself. To tell u how beautiful u are to me is impossible because i cant describe the beauty of ure eyes ur mouth ur skin and ur ears i cant see much cause well there are always these big things on the loool. I cant describe them because they're all beautiful in their different ways, their different lights. But u know whats best about the beauty of u? its the smile where u close your eyes and the smile when i make u laugh. These are your lights, the lights that make me hope that u'd think different of yourself. Even when i saw things earlier than u, doesnt mean i'm smarter doesnt mean i'm bigger, it only means that i have hurt more that i've seen more. Doesnt mean that you cant see things with me doesnt mean we cant share visions of beauty and times of hate but hey what am i dreamin on about its just that dreams give me hope. Then i realize i'm back sitting alone in the room, coming back to the reality of the life i live, or whats left of it.

September 28. Forever and ever

2011-09-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Its the day, 3 years ago when i first asked someone if i could love her. If one day i would grow old and still love her. That day was the day i felt i could live again, that rainbows were real and sunsets were beautiful. I know that making this day a special day is stupid after almost a year but i know also that she was the one, the one that broke me and put me back together. I loved her and love her still. Shes was like the sky to me and when the sky fell, i was crushed by its weight. If wei were still together, it'd make today 3 years and i would be happy. Now i'm not and this post is to celebrate what we had and what i still hold. this post is to tell you that i loved u, and i will love you every time i think of u and i think of you alot. the story begins with a night...

A night filled with stars and adrenaline of a 19 year old boy. As i remember, you were beautiful. I was starstruck. I was amazed that someone so beautiful could want to sleep next to me, talk to me, be my friend. You were funny, cute and the most lovable person that god ever made. You were a genius, u played your cards so well. I fell right into your trap. In the following weeks, i was in a limbo of bliss and fear. Fear that you would never say yes and blissful when in ur presence. I loved u the moment u appeared in any situation. On that night the 28th of September sitting on a bench that i carefully and romantically placed in my garden, i asked you if u could give me a chance to love you and you said " remember that eyes joke u told me, well take the last three letters." I was utterly and in total disbelief that i had courted such a beautiful girl and how i loved her. Everyday from that day i had loved her no less than 200% and i showed it so well. We had names for each other i would call her wifey and she would call me hubby. Kitty kat, bugsy, love, honey sooooo many more. I love her because she gave me life, and she kept me strong, she put up with my shit and she gave me hope, she told i was perfect when i thought that she was. She loved me so much. Today i'm not going to talk about the break up, i'm going to talk about the life and not the death. She was everything to me, and in some ways she still is. It breaks my heart everytime her friends tell me how badly her current beau treats her and i want to teach him how to do it, i want to sweep her off her feet again....but i cant. I dont talk to her now, because i love her and i dont want any miscommunication and politics with her beau so i dont talk to her. I've seen sunsets and sunrises but nothing of the beauty that your face beholds. I miss you like the sun misses the flower, like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter, instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world you absence that u've banished me to. The little broken pieces of my heart are so small that they could fit into the eye of a needle. To finish this, hope...love should end with hope, hope guides me thru the days and especially the nights that i am without u, the hope that when u are gone from my sight it would not be the last time i shall look upon u.

with all the love that i possess,
i remain yours.
Ken.

Verlassen und Allein

2011-08-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

When i asked god why he abandoned me, he answered that he never did
When i said i'm sure he left me to be eaten by life's cruel cold people.
He said he did. He also so said he left me to go save my family and my friends.
When i asked him why would he play the guilt trip on me. He said he is telling the truth
I said He is contradicting his answers.
He said he never left my side, because he was never there to begin with.
I said that god promised there'd be two pairs of footsteps in the sand His and mine but there is only one
But then he said that those footsteps were His and he has been carrying me all my life.
I believe in no one religion, I believe that they were all right. I believe that God gave me eyes. ears and mind
To believe in what ever i wanted. I believe there is a God
But does he believe in me?
Not right now, not when i'm lonely, no i dont feel he is here. When i'm sad he turns away.
But when i do wrong he is there with his cane and whip. I am alone even though he carries me.
I am still alone . When i dry my tears
When i dry the tears from my skin.
I am alone, tears come from my mouth
I am alone, when i bleed from my mind.
And i am alone in my cries for help
I am alone.

I told u not to ruin this.

2011-08-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

no more, no more times will i show weakness. no more times will show attempts on my soul. i've shown u what many have not seen...i am not weak! i will never be again. So u will now see, a part of me that u will hate that u will despise. Partly because u brought it back. u brought this monster back. I will make life terrible for others because life was terrible for me. i will only protect those who i deem my people. i will break those who are not.

People dont actually read this to know more about me...they dont care. They want to know what happened? They want to know why i'm how i am. I allowed u back into my life not so long ago, i didnt want to but something urged me on... and yeah maybe i wasnt ready but i poured out how i felt and then she became cold, yeah but she did already tell me that i was special to her...well sorta la.... so i felt safe to tell her how much....a hint of desperation la...but i was drunk....drunk people show much weakness sigh... u were my one last hope to redemption. I'd treat u like as if u are the only one i had ever met in my life. I guess u were never meant for me. I am hollow again..... if i cant find strength in myself, who can? But that doesnt mean i must show weakness. I didnt ruin anything... why didnt u just tell me straight and stop mucking around. Dont blame me for doing things u could not have done yourself, if u had someone else tell me, dont keep me in the dark, u pushed me waay too far. so why dont u blame urself, for being weak...not being strong enuff to face your own decisions. i was only being true...so if being true ruins things...then i shall never be again shall i...people learn from their mistakes. u should too. Make amends if u wish i will probably call u in a months time or so... Last time ok yc...last time.

WE ARE SAM.

2011-05-26T00:39:00.001-07:00

Help a kid walk a mile. Good things are so easy to say. Have you done it before? have you tried to help the less fortunate have u helped someone that cannot help themselves?

ask yourself...Please.

Beautiful

2011-05-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

i fell for a girl that ended up being a girl with ambitions for becoming a woman. I was a boy that already became a man. i see her now as i have seen her back then. Beautiful. I realize that i've been stupid and i've taken granted of her in the past, but now i've seen her with somebody else and i hope he knows how lucky he is. She has a friend... that is my friend and she told me that i should let go, i should not hate...but the thing is i dont hate, i love. i can let go, but i dont want to because there will always be a place in my heart and in my soul for her. i have forgiven all the things shes done, and i've forgiven myself for losing her. thats enough for me... the best part of being with chin was how she loved me how she took care of me how she always thought whatever i did was perfect just like how i thought she was perfect. but she lacked one thing.....she lacked purity. She lacked the love, all she knew was possession, she possessed me. It was worth my two years. In the future, there will be 3 years there will 5,6 or 7 but i will never forget how i grew because of u. Everybody wants to look into the mirror and feel a lil better now, and everybody wants to know there is somebody out there waiting for u to come around. Everybody wants someone to tell their secrets to. Now...

i want someone that i can tell my secrets to, and still have the rush that i had when i was a boy. i want someone to love me and not want to possess me. i've found that person but she knows it will nvr happen and i know it too because i give up things for everybody but me. God has only a pair of eyes, and the world is big. i dont expect him to be hold me up because i guess, i can do that for myself. But i wish he'd help me up when i fell, i wish he'd push me when i wouldnt move and i wish that he'd help me when all i saw was grey, as i see the world now... What is beautiful? definitely not me...no no.... You are beautiful.. beautiful like the things you see...everything u know is beautiful, like you.

Sun rises, and i sleep

2011-04-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

Running i am, but not from you, from me
i loved thee, from my heart, everything you'd be
i am lost but not from now, from then
when i needed a lonely friend

dropping to my knees and beggin u
not to come back, not to get through
i'm bad for you, i'm bad for me
please, please fly free

danger, violence, death
these are the things that take my breath
all i can taste is this, death
all this death the day u left

i only draw the anger and the hate
when i feel bitter, bitter too late
and when can i hold your hand
when can u know who i truly am

u ask me to write love portraits
i just laugh and fall for the bait
truth is i'd never write them for you
because i know u are not true

this poem is not about anyone
it is about me, myself and my gun
oh no, no i will not kill myself
oh no. oh no, my little elf

i'm done ranting, dont know what to write
maybe i should go out and fly a kite
goodbye. goodbye my peers
later we'll go pop some beers

ok i'm done
and lets go have some fun
oh my god i love this rum
this rum this rum, rumma dumb dumb.

Blergh, senseless ranting, i love em!

Your every life, your every dream, your everything

2011-03-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

i'm going to stop looking now... why look for something that would eventually find u. I love, love. But...its not something that u would have to find. i would never stop loving. Never will i stop loving the people i love and have loved before, its funny... i actually still love all that i have loved before, is that unnatural? funny heh? i recently wrote a facebook status, to the dismay of some people i wrote GOOD things about my recent ex girlfriend that did very bad things to me, natural human things but things that i never expected she'd do to me and many times, with many people. The thing is, i love her...now, then and even after all these things i still would trust her. Thats how much i loved her. No matter what she does i got her back, no matter if shes wrong or right i would be there for her because she treated me right while it lasted, it was good while it lasted. i see her now happy with her new beau and inside me i feel good, i feel happy that shes happy. No matter what other people say, and also whatever i feel inside about the contempt and the hate i feel toward her i always will know that she means the world to me, i will never let anyone hurt her. I would never be able to ever say hi to her again, will never be able to smile at her again but i would give that up for her to be happy. even after all she has done to me i forgive her, and i will protect her. and i am confident that love will find me again one day. i'm taking ur advice and looking on the bright side and balancing all that i feel. I have no more pictures of u, of us, but i have our memories and i have our dreams. Thats all i need because u were my everything, and now that everything has finally ran out of words. i will remember the magic, that was you and me.

the hills and sun have more light now, and u dont compare.

2011-03-16T01:51:00.000-07:00

ok people this is gonna be a short one cause i have retarded lil dumbass on my right. this lil dumbass was someone i could have called one of the ones. i have just realized not so long ago that i was wrong. this is because she doesnt know, she hasnt learnt, she hasnt learnt to be a person yet, a person with feelings, a person that doesnt care, that doesnt look. i have aged far beyond what i was before, and i cannot expect that much from her, cause when i was her age, i didnt care. she has that attitude where if god crossed her she take all his drugs and burn all his money and his house down. i've never actually blogged about someone in this way before right into their face. offended? prolly not. u havent hit me yet. funny right how i think of u now compared to the time before? why do u think i didnt plan anything special for today... i was going to. lucky i didnt eh? i should have? i dont really care anymore, but when he does hurt u i'll always be here. this is so fun. u like it huh? hmmmmm.... then really tell me what u think honestly, when i've already said so much "offensive" things.helllllloooooooooo...nothing my ass. u basking in ur ex? yeah i know. i'm lucky i dont care anymore. i'm lucky i didnt love u the minute u broke up, i'm lucky i remember what hurtful things they did to me, when i treated them like princes and princesses. i loved u alot. yes yes it was really actually love. because i genuinely thought i could love u, that u could have loved me back, i was blind, stupid, but now u cant say nothing to touch me. although i do still enjoy the company, and i do enjoy being around u. and i do still miss u everytime u go home. everytime we stop talking. but it doesnt matter now, or will never matter. i'm still broken, but i'm not unrepairable. i just feel very used, i feel very angry. read read read cause i dont care anymore, u're lost to me theres always a space for u, eventhough it'll never been filled. but no hope or expectations will be put in cause u dont deserve my hope.

The Witch Of Blair.

2011-03-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

Running wild thru the night
As this man escapes the light
He run, he runs, where can he go
where else but to the sea so low

This man is not an ordinary man
Mountains and hills, cities he ran
who is he running from and why he does
has alot to do with his old, broken house

In this house, much he did
to bring much harm to a little kid
he killed this boy with his little toys
and this brought him so much joy

He bested his fears
He jousted his tears
he cut out the little boys eyes, mouth and ears.
Then to celebrate, he downed a couple of beers

He thinks to himself, i can finally sleep
Her voice in my head so damned, so deep
she said she'd stop, she'd go away
no...no...no please don't stay

You're a witch, please dont stay
I cant sleep, eat or pray
I did what u wanted!
You liar! my wish be granted!

I made him face the corner, yes!
let me receive my much earned rest
Took his stomach, oh yes i did!
did so much, this that poor little kid

You told me to, you horrible witch
now u laugh u dirty bitch
out, out, out of my head!
I just want to sleep in my bed

now u drive me into the sea
you ask me to run, from people who harm me
you said you'd protect my life
not cause me so much strife

You are a liar and a witch\
You're a bitch and a lil snitch
you bring me sorrow, guilt and pain
you are my end, my death and my bane

I dont care, you made me do it!
You told me what to do and so i did
no...no i dont care!
even if, you are the witch of blair

Now i die hearing your voice
I wish that i had another choice
this is the end, this is my plight
Dying here with you i fight!

It is over my story ends
my brain is dead, my body is bent
can you leave, please end this horrible test
so i can smile in much earned rest

And the man lies down
On his face a terrible frown
Yes this man is finally dead
With the Witch of Blair still in his head.

Waiting.

2011-03-05T02:18:00.000-08:00

i'm suffocating, suffocating... i cant breathe let alone type, seizures every night... every night i cannot help but think of u, and it kills me every second longer, tortured, not enough, punished, no ,no,no help me pleassee.. its gone its gone, i hate HOPE! i HAte it!!

Dagor dagorath

2011-03-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

Cold be hand and heart and bone
and cold be sleep under stone
never more to wake on stony bed
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead
In the black wind the stars shall die
and still be gold here let them lie
till the Devil lifts his hand
over dead sea and withered land.

The Seven.

2011-03-02T04:25:00.000-08:00

diamonds like sand
fill my dreams at night
how i can stand
in this beautiful light

all i can think of are these beautiful things
i want more, more and more!
diamonds make me feel like a king
i want more, more and more!

now i die and now i see
everything has crumbled on top of me GREED
now to these diamonds my flesh i feed
because of my disgusting greed

I see this food, this glorious food!
i see this crab, this beef this big bowl of soup
Oh my god i dont care if i'm rude
Ice cream, ice cream! must have a scoop!

Eat my heart out they say
I laugh and say food is my god
and god is my savior, food makes my day
I eat everything, every pea in every pod!

And now i die, i am in pain
these devils eat out the depths of me
wash down their food with my blood like rain Gluttony
these devils stamp on me, the word Gluttony

I am so pretty, like a flower
nothing is as beautiful as me
people look at me and cower
cause i am the most beautiful thing they see

i walk in a street and see people staring
I am bright because god loves me
look at these whores, hah! stop glaring
Hah! stop staring, you think its free?!

When i'm gone, i see i was wrong
i didnt know until i died
they tear at my face for oh so long
oh no, oh no my beautiful pride Pride

I hate him he deserves to die
Bury in him in the hard ground will I
I will put his head on a pan and fry
Oh my god i will make him die

When i’m angry i don’t care who u are
I don’t care what i do but u will pay
Run, run but u won’t get far
Stick u in the ground for one whole day

A million years pass and i am dead
So many i’ve killed in my angry path
Now come back and chew me like bread
This prison is my commission for wrath. Wrath

My hands are itchy, my dick is hard
As i see this whore which stands before me
I don’t believe a movie she starred
I am hard oh! Hard as i can be

So many girls i’ve fucked
I love it, i love it, i love all this cum
Yes, yes, suck, suck, and suck!
Taste it, taste it! Does it taste like rum?

Hell! Hell! Why am i in Hell?
Oh why, oh why was sex a must!
Look at me devils bang me like a bell
Bang me for my uncontrollable lust! LUST

How i hate to look at you
You and your beautiful wife
I hate to see and your barbeque
Oh how i hate your beautiful life.

If only i could be in your shoes
Beautiful life, beautiful wife
I want those beautiful tools
I want to have your beautiful life!

All i get in the end of time
Is devils pushing into my heart so heavy
Have i committed such a crime?
Is it so bad just to envy? ENVY

I throw my clothes here and there
I cannot take all these people telling me what to do
I don’t want to take a bath, don’t wanna wash my hair!
I don’t care if my hair grew!

I don’t care if i’m dirty!
I don’t care if u don’t like me
I like to do what is filthy
I’m gonna be filthy, filthy as can be!

But i regret that i said that
Why couldn’t i just pick up a cloth?
Why was i such a brat!?
Now i pay, being beaten like a sloth. SLOTH

This is my pain..my punishment

2011-03-01T01:43:00.000-08:00

in this poem...

i wake up and seeing nothing but...
something or someone making a cut
an incision so small i cant see the wound
this place so dark i cant see no moon.

Where am i, who are you?
he just laughs, and coughs a little too
a searing pain as he rips thru my skin
oh please! oh please! blood runs up my chin

I have never felt this sort on pain
never felt like this was my bane
time passes like so many flies
buzzing around my hollow eyes

after a while the pain goes away
but he keeps coming day after day
to make new pain like i could never dream
like he was just blowing off steam

for some reason i never get to die
like all the world was a beautiful lie
this pain this pain i dont believe
when am i ever going to leave.

a million years pass and nothing new
except i've forgotten a memory or two
i dont remember why i'm here
or do i know this man i fear

my body is gone beyond repair
its torn and seared, ripped with no care
i look no less than the one before me
continuing his work while i watch and see

i am torn my veins are out
in every way my eyes fall out
my hair burnt, my skin is torn
my groin is bone and my tongue is gone

i'm used to it, the pain has passed
my surrounding area here is vast
i feel light and suddenly warm
fall to the ground, after so much harm

I awaken and feel the ground
confused i am with the occurring sound
i dont sense the man nearby
no no this is not a lie

i hear breathing, i hear crying
what is it i hear, is it dying?
i hear a man, first in so long
oh how his voice is such a song

i go closer, as i hear him scream
such a beautiful sound, like a hymn
funny that i notice something
something strange in the voice he sings

Oh my lord what is this i hear...
his voice oh so familiar...
i've heard this voice a million years past
it is the voice of which i cast

and then this lil thing screams and shouts
as i cut him to know without a doubt
Where am i? Who are you?
hahaha... I just laugh, and then i cough a little too.

the continuing cycle of pain, never ending.

Keep your walls up, but let me decorate them.

2011-02-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

a person told me yesterday, i will never be able to show my everything, i will never show you everything that i am. i didnt ask that question, in fact i didnt ask any question. you just told me. and i think that walls are meant to protect u, and i feel i have no walls, i have doors. Open the right one and you're in open the wrong one u'll see nothing. No one has truly opened the right door, not chin lee not sueanne not jil not anyone. not even u. but the thing is with me, you can keep on trying. i've told u things but not everything, i've told u secrets but i havent told u about time.. its a burden. Not one that i would wish on anyone. Have i mentioned that i believe you are beautiful. oh i have not. sorry. i was getting out of hand there....sorry readers! I wouldnt wish anyone to open the right door. i am not and will not ever be everything to somebody. This is because, i will never change the way i think, the way that the people on top has made me. i'm so warped now. i want someone now to open those doors i want someone now to tell me that its not that way, it doesnt have to work that way, i want someone that can tell me that i'm a good person, and to tell me she loves me for those doors, and she'll love me for what ever thats inside, simply because she loves the outside. Enough of talking to myself, enjoy a poem that imma write now.

i see people passing by
as i sit here, waiting to die
the clothes on my back are torn
but these are the only clothes i have ever worn

I dont remember my life before i was like this
i dont remember joy, i dont remember fun, i don remember bliss
Would u spare me my lifeline, my salvation
my basic needs since creation?

I dont care who u are and what u do
because to me all i need is u
to give me things that i can use
or to turn me away, for that u choose.

Who am I...

I stand here looking down and seeing the world
seeing people pass this lonely little girl
standing here up so high
look at me, i think i can fly.

I couldnt stand living anymore
waking up is such a bore
now this is such a joy
killing myself, for a boy.

i see nothing but stars
or are those pretty little cars
i dont care i want to go
to that place where lilies grow.

Falling down wouldnt be painful
seeing me dead would be so joyful!
i want the world to be in pain
while i sit down and laugh at their bane.

I hate you.....Who am I?

ANSWERS:

One day a beggar and a suicidal lil girl went out and in the end two lives were saved because the beggar saved hers by doing what he does best and the girl saved his by making him feel as though as he had something better he could do in life. They lived happily ever after until they died in a car crash the next year. The end

When i have no vent.

2011-02-24T23:07:00.000-08:00

I cannot stand to see happy people... i'm crushed, as always. Put down so many times that i cant remember whens the last time, i felt loved, i cant remember how it felt to be loved, and i cant remember how it felt to be able to look someone in the eye and feel happy. i miss my life. when i'm gone no one is going to be able to feel anything because they wont remember. but i will remember, all those who broke me down and all those who lifted me up. i know now who cares and who doesnt give half a shit. i wrote a poem in class its a first in many months, its more mature, but dark and its me, and its how my creative mind works. Enjoy

Timeless air in the eyes of the night
Sorrow tears flow out of her sight
Rumors spread like big black flies
But still she feels, cries and eventually dies

No one could help the poor old girl
in the room, on her bed she would curl
and in every night she would wake
and little children in her oven she would bake.

Morning to her is like a dream
never real but she still hears the screams
She ignores the food and continues to bake
the little children on the children cake.

This sick story of a girl named mary
is about her habits which are so scary
taking a knife and a fork
to eat her meal and walk her dog

Funny how this story ends
Mary misses her little Ben
She couldnt stand that he was food
But he tasted ooh soo good!

After all the children were gone
Mary realized what she had done
She stood up. walked out to fill her lungs
Then back into the house, herself she hung.

And in the funeral of bloody mary
all of town came and she was buried
People rejoiced and were so happy
So they decided to have a party.

At this party, all was there
kids ran free. happy with no care
And for the big finale, there was a man in a coat
that brought a big cake, inside concealed a note

The people all enjoyed the feast
eating the cake like so many beasts
Everyone finished eating the cake and found the note
and the note wrote...

"Thank you for eating my big beautiful cake,
You should learn what i put in when i bake
All of you have lost one child
I chopped them up with little style

Maybe you tasted something good
or something that would change your mood
You finally tasted what bloody mary bakes
All your little children on the children cake".

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance.

2011-02-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

For that break, that makes it all okay. Theres always some reason to feel not good enough. i have abandoned hope, i just wanna live my life through. There was once sometime last year, my ex told me " no girl wont die wan la" and i said to her, yeah i know. I meant it and i still mean it, but the thing is its not the girl... its the feeling that u belong with someone and that you put yourself out there for someone to love. Since then i have had certain revelations, i noticed that some people have just chosen their paths, some dont know that they're lost. some like me are just lost, and its not that we dont want to find ourselves again, but we just cant, because i am personally an emotional junkie. I need activities that either numb me, or bring out a certain emotion, be it anger, depression or sorrow. I dont mind. Hope is not an emotion. People do not change. So i will not. Accept that there are no good people in the world anymore. No one is good, not even me. Not anyone i've loved before and certainly not the people i love now. No one is good, the world is lost. Inside everybody is ugly, ugly like me. So for now, the people who dont see me for their reasons, for the people who dont give a shit and for the people i love and care for, be sad now, cry now, because when i'm gone i dont want to see a tear, because the world is meant to be cold, i learnt that just today. The world doesnt care about you. God doesnt care. So why should I? why should i care about all of you when u dont care about me?

Talk in everlasting words and dedicate them all to me.

2011-02-15T11:37:00.000-08:00

the sky was dark when i moved in, when i met ur eyes, when ur mouth opened to speak. You said " Hello, can i make u smile ", and i said " if u make me smile, i'll do anything to make sure u smile too ". i didnt know how much i would have loved u, i didnt get the chance, i know now, that i would have loved u more than anything. i would've cherished u, i wouldve held u i wouldve tried everything to make u want me, to make u happy, to make u feel like there isnt and wouldnt have anything better in this world. But as i said before the sky was dark and i couldnt have u, i couldnt cherish u, i couldnt love you because i never actually had the chance. did i try too hard to make u smile? your answer was no. Now its a different story, now i cant go back, now i cant make u love me, its because u already think of somebody else when u sleep, when u dream u dont dream of me. Sometimes i tell myself thats a good thing, because i want to share your dreams, so if u were dreaming of me, i wouldnt want to be dreaming of myself... i'd want to be dreaming of you.

but the sweetest dream will never do and thats cause up until now, i still do love you.

but nobody knows it but me

And you ask yourself again.

2011-02-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

the question always is how much do you want something? Would it be so much that you'd do anything? Let go of any principle, of any friendship? I have. I have given up many things for people, and i would give up anything for you. I've known you for years now. i think i made so many mistakes in the past, you are another one who i regret not coming back for, funny i know u'd read this but i dont really care if u do, cause u'd probably not know its you HAHA! oh my readers, its not who u expect. i'll probably be able to contain myself, i'll not say things that i should not, i promise. Well its not for u, oh no, its for him.

Fall Right Every Attempt Karma Yells Doing Evil Activities Kill You

2011-02-05T12:51:00.000-08:00

sometimes when we look at people we love we look at them differently, like when i was with chin i saw the world in her even if everybody knew that she wasnt a good person, i saw good in her, i saw everything in her, because i loved her. so yeah, i now understand that we arent perfect, but in the eyes of somebody else, we just might be

The random quotes and blabberins of lee cheung ken

2011-01-31T15:38:00.000-08:00

come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

my heart is just too dark to care, i cant destroy what isnt there.

i wish you werent my friend so i could hurt you in the end.

it took the death of hope to let you go.

Lost in every way, but what would i have to do, to be found

2011-01-29T16:06:00.000-08:00

i dont understand why i cannot be everything that they wanted, everything that they needed. i dont understand why i must fall for people that love other people already, why cant i love whats right in front of me. why? is she not good enough, no. but for some reason i dont love her, not yet and i dont know when will i. i still love the girl that loves somebody else, all the girls that i have ever loved, currently loves someone else, currently doesnt think of me, they dont even know my existence, they dont care. even if i passed away, they wouldnt care, they wouldnt know. i want to give a testimony to all i have loved, that actually mean something right now, its not like theyd read it so it doesnt matter.

Firstly, she was the one that really really got to me, in such a short time, i cant even type her name out here, its not that i care whether she reads it or not, its like i cant even utter her name, thats how bad it was, thats how much i want to forget that she could have been the next Jil. but i'll try, her name is beautiful, ordinary but beautiful. Sueanne... yeah thats it. i could have been happy, for once. she is with someone else now, he is lucky, he is so goddamned lucky. if i had to explain how and why i fell for her i would have to split this post into 4 sections, but those of you that want to know then please be free to comment. all u have to know is that i tried and didnt get there, once because of a certain someone and secondly because shit happens. i thought about it and i think friends would be good.

Secondly, is my exgirlfriend, oh how i loved her. this name is easy to say, cause i've said it for 2 long years. Her name is Chinlee. I really loved her, right until the end and after i still loved her. i'm disappointed at myself because i couldnt make her love me, she gave me up in a month, 2 years worth of memories gone in month. i hate myself, because in the last months i gave her shit, i gave her ingratitude, i didnt give her attention, i messed up alot, but so did she, she crossed boundaries that a proper gf should not cross. i miss her smile and her laugh, i miss the way she gets manja and annoyed, i miss all that. to explain my love for her it take a long ass post too, i know her rep out there isnt good, but no one knows her like i do, and shes not all that bad, yeah cunning, yeah she mindfucks gao gao but she treated me well, well up to those last months. i hold no grudges to u or your new beau, so please i'm asking you, please dont make it hard on me being around you or around your new friends, please just act as though i am not there, at least just let me be there without seeing your angry/annoyed face. Lets just be friends, its not hard to do.

Yeah for now thats it but i do currently "like" somebody, but the best part is shes also engaged in a relationship with someone, and yes it bums me out, yet again. I still dont understand why, i must love someone who loves someone else. i think i should just stay single for sometime, until i pass on to the other side. ~~goodbye~~

Something good isnt always something good for you.

2011-01-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

sometimes i blog or write down my feelings, i know this sounds uber gay but sometimes i need to write something about somebody most of the times its bad, cynical, sarcastic, whatever but this time its all good. but good doesnt mean for me. if u get what i mean.

i told u before, she is my sun, but then again u're the moon, ur the thing i see everytime everything gets dark. I know that sounds like i'm using u, but thats not true, i truly do care for u. you're like the thing i hang on to when i see the people i loved before change and become someone i dont know anymore but thats also the reason i cannot give u what u want. But in that flaw, in that injustice, i will always be there for u, youve got me always here. i make u smile i make u laugh, but i didnt deserve the treats, i didnt deserve that laugh or that smile or those hugs. i didnt deserve u. You're genuinely a good person, u havent had a bad thought in ur mind, not a bad bone in your body. So i have done bad things in my life, i'm complicated but simple as u described it but i'm definitely imperfect. i'm a burden actually. its okay, these past few days i've been disturbing u, being kwai lan as u call it, don pay any attention to me. i'm just a stupid lil boy. I told chin this and she threw it away, i told her that everyday when i wake up i'll see her face and i told her that i'll never stop loving her, and at that time i meant it, truly but then she shifted her attention and gave her love elsewhere, i'm fine with that now but now these things said cannot be resaid so i'll never tell u these lines but i'll tell u that i'll be ur sky so when ever it gets bad for u, u know i've got u, and u know that everytime it seems like there isnt something to look forward to u just gotta look up and there i am. i'll be someone u can look forward to seeing, for whatever purpose, whether to make u smile or to make u laugh, i'll be there. U can count on me, because the sky never lets u down its always there, even if sometimes u cant see it. I 'm sorry for hurting you, but blame her, not yourself

" i'm used to it "

2011-01-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

I have only wanted one thing in this year, i've wished for it. i never ever, ever get what i want. i hate life. i hate everything now, but i will come back and spit in the face of life, life has now produced someone bad, no longer will i care for people, no longer will i care what i do to people, no longer will i care what i say, hate me! i don't care, life has made her real, life is full of shit, i never did anything to deserve this! i deserved it ! why love someone that doesnt love u back! U KNOW WHY? because thats life! and life can go shove it! People are going to ask me why do u hate life? u have it now? i'll say that life can leave me anytime it wants, i'm not stopping it! I will never help another soul ever again. people i dont care for now, people i dont know, people i will know in the future, dont hope much, i will not care. She can say " i'm used to it ma ". Wow people come up to her alot huh, this post is not about her, so screw that! I'll tell u my readers all about in the next post. Oh by the way i know u'll be reading this too so, yeah kudos to u! I'm just going to go throw myself against the wall, and no one else can see the preservation of the martyr in me.

I did my time and I want out, so abusive, fate It doesn't cut, the soul is not so vibrant, the reckoning, the sickening packaging subversion Pseudo Sacrosanct Perversion Go drill your deserts, go dig your graves, then fill your mouth with all the money you will save, sinking in, getting smaller again, i'm done, it has begun, I'm not the only one, i push my fingers into my eyes, thats the only way that slowly stops the ache. If the pain goes on...........

i found hope when i'm let down, but not in me, in you.

2011-01-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

i hate it when i know the truths that i dont want to know. I cannot do this anymore. I hate that i'm letting myself down again and again, i hate ruining lives with hope i give and hope i receive. I am truly, and deeply sorry to all i've let down, i just feel like i only want one, no matter what everyone else says, no matter what i have been accused for, i really want to just take that one right now....but i cant. Not if i can control myself. not if i stand by my beliefs but its hard, since i am torn. Since i'm wronged and since i am broken i cannot make the decisions that i have to, that i want, because of the truth, the facts that u're still far away. I wish my life was a song, cause songs, they never die. The decisions are hard the decisions are tough, but sometimes i just dont want to be good, sometimes i want to be bad again, be the person i have tucked away, be the person that everyone hates, but i get what i want. I really want this one, really really. my heart beats are slowing and pain is growing, does he love u? Thats worth knowing. The thing is i know, i'm not going to do it, if i'm conscious if i'm knowing. Unless i can no longer control, no longer bear watching u from a far. I want only happiness for you, even if i'm not. You're like the sun, you have no choice but to shine, i know people cannot see it, its because they're blind but i can, i can. I can hardly speak, no sweet words can come out of my mouth, i can only be what i am, i dont want to be that person no matter what everyone says, i dont want to trick u. i dont want to lie to myself. but whats all this talk about, it is not now. it will never be possible, not now. not when u hear someone elses voice in your head everynight. I wished that all this never happened, i wish i didnt ever tell u anything, i can barely look at you, but every single time i do, i know i can make it anywhere with you. There's always something getting through but its not me, its you. Sueanne

And another side of the moon would be i hate that we got ourselves into this mess, i cannot say yes now, because u're related to my past my angry angry past, my shame, and my mistake. i cannot accept the fact that in the future i'd have to be looking at that person in the eye and knowing she broke my heart, took my everything and threw it into the dumpster. i will never be able to be close to any of u, because of that fact. I was never a really good friend to u all, i only followed what she said, sometimes not to the benefit of u guys. i just hope i dont give u the totally wrong perception, i am telling u now its not because of u, its because of the one that haunts me, the mistake that haunts me. Anything and anyone close to her is and always will be distant, or be made distant by me. i cannot even try to trust, and definitely not commit to anyone that is even the slightest bit close to her. Yeah its over between me and her, and i forgave her already, but i will never forget, never will i forget the mistake i made and the wrong doings that have been directed toward me, never. I never did talk to that person that screwed me over before, never did i forget what he did to me. and i never will. So never should u blame yourself either its not u, but its not totally me either. Sue

Well that was an angry post.

2010-12-27T02:08:00.000-08:00

i dunno why i'm so angry, but i'm not anymore. I dont love her anymore. i just think its the obsession. the possesion, the greatness of being alone while she's fucking around, i'm most angry at the fact she told me and many others that she doesnt want a relationship but in 2 months gets into one. thats all. isnt that fair enough to be angry. i'm going to die soon. thats also a fact. but i dont want to die alone yet i know i cannot have anyone because its unfair leaving that person behind. i really think that i want to be with someone that actually doesnt lie to me, and i swear i will never lie to a person i love again, it hurts too much. The one that got away doesnt matter now cause she got away. i am confident that i'll meet her again someday. But at this moment i want nothing but to be with someone, to care and to be cared for. i really dont want to be alone. not when i'm still here

Hey Yo i don't hate u don't make me.

2010-12-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

excuse me i didnt flaunt any of my after break up flings in front of u, i dont hate ur friend, fling, new boyfriend, or whatsoever. why do u still want to hurt me???? cant u just fucking lead ur quiet life and go fuck him without me knowing? cant u just give me some time to let the fuck go, its hard for someone to let the fuck go when its been so long, yet u fucking cunt can let go in 1 month, a FUCKING 2 YEARS RELATIONSHIP WAS ERASED IN 1 MONTH..... FUCK!! YES, u're the biggest mistake of my life, the reason i couldnt fall in love again was because of u, i actually was conned into thinking u could change that u still loved me, u fucking liar! i didnt show anything in front of u!

The angel of my nightmare

2010-12-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

Funny how things work out as we all have changed so much after the years go by. I have changed in a good way, i study now, i learn now, i be the person i want to be now. U? hah! u changed in a bad way, a way where u never think of others anymore, u never feel for others anymore, u lie, u cheat, so i lie to u and i treat u the way u deserve, but when i feel like doing a good thing, i buy christmas presents and u show absolutely no appreciation no hug, no kiss, no thank you, no smile, no nothing. i ask myself why i even bought them, even val gave me a hug jesus christ! Well on to sadder things,

U know whats the worst? the saying goes love lost is better than having never to love at all, this girl gave me worst of both worlds, this is not the same girl as above. imagine i love or like or see a future with a person, but things got in the way, i said something i shouldnt have but i was telling the truth, i didnt wanna hide anything, i wanted to see if the person above could change, could be better, but at that moment u were the only thing i was thinking about, and still thinking bout now. although we went out very little, i liked u from day 1. The worst thing? i never got the chance to love u, and i lost it because of something i said. I would have made u see made u feel made u know that love is yours, in front of u and ready for u to embrace, i'll be whoeevr u want me to be, i'd pull the moon for u. i'd come all the way to where ever u are just to see u, even if it was for a minute. If u ever made u feel second best, then i'm sorry i was blind but u were always on my mind. i don't want to be like all the oithers, i want to be someone u don't have to chase, someone who would make u feel like there is nothing more perfect than being and having fun, that money cantt buy. i'm not rich, i'm not popular, but i'd be yours. if thats not enough i'd do anything for me to have a chance to love u and for u to love me back. u're beautiful, and he's so lucky to have u. i never did what u thought i did. i really was sincere and i miss the way u look at me, and also the look u give when i make fun of ur bestie, and how u sound, its the best when i make u smile, cause i feel so proud of myself when that happens. i love the way u think, the way u look without ur make up on. i miss pretending to get to know u when i already feel like i've known u forever. you're new in my life, but i think i'd miss u until i find u again, then i'd be able to love again.

Sueanne

Hope

2010-12-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

Funny how i lived through my last ordeal by hoping. Now i realized that it wasn't by hoping but it was by the support of my friends mostly. Some of these friends i've treated some what unfairly but till now i still care and i still love them all. But back to the main point, i have just realized that hope stabs you in the back most of the time and although it helps u go alone your journey but in the end it kills you. So whats the point? I used to say that Hope is the things that leads us through our darkest times and our toughest toils, which i guess was true then. Now? yeah, no, mmmhm not so true after all. times being dark are times made to be dark, toils which are tough are meant to be tough and you know why? because these toils and these times are all made for us to walk on. So hope doesnt help shit, it just makes you think it helps and when u reach your destination all hope is gone except for disappointment, and sadness. If you noticed, then hope is what is fabricated and imagined and if you noticed, a lot of the good feelings are not really there, they're made up to counter the feelings that are really there such as sorrow, anger, disappointment, pain, fear and death. Every one of these has a fabricated counter, if u think about it, if your don't then u can continue living your ignorant life. Its fine because 99% of the people in this place are ignorant so why not you ( person reading ), just follow the flow of the people around u and have your little illusions and continue to embrace false feelings. its alright because its not real.

Learn to embrace the feelings that are thrown at you, for when it gets tough for others then you don't feel so alone.

Being alone, really doesnt matter because millions of people are alone but what matters is having somebody
Never let yourself tear apart the things you love and who love you back.
Lastly, for people like me or used to be like me, then hello, i don't feel lonely anymore

but then again i lie.

As i wished upon a star, the knife goes through into a scar.

2010-12-21T00:48:00.000-08:00

I wish the tears would stop
As i sit in my bed alone
i wish my head would drop
And my heart turn to stone

Nothing could compare to you
when you're singing in your sleep
I wish i would just turn blue
And drown into the deep

I wish there was still hope
In surviving this ordeal
I wish i had a rope
So i can finally feel

I wish this wish comes true
As i would love to die
My pain would be the clue
So now i'm gonna try.

Forgotten, Missed and wrong doings.

2010-12-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

Every day i see life as it goes by for the others and i see just that, life.
In my existence i see no life.

Its hard to see every day go by and wonder what would people think when they know they didn't believe me and didnt know that why i went. The people that know don't believe anymore and the people that don't know, will never know. I've told one person recently and she will probably tell people why and how. One person that i've trusted for a long time has betrayed that trust and people that i love i do not trust. So tell me how to i tell people whats wrong and how do i tell people why i have to go? I think I'd rather just get on with it and take my chances because i do not want life i do not want to have to go through with this any longer. Being sick, being tired, being hurt, being dead. i just wish that someone could love me, miss me, hold me and kiss me, make me feel like there is hope, there is something to live for, to wait for and finally to die for, in peace and in happiness. I no longer care for the world, no longer care for what the world can give me and what i can give to the world. I used to love to write, to express my emotions, to be myself in my words, to share my words with others. Now i just write and know that no one would read this, and nobody cares. I don't blame them, i blame myself, its not self pity its more of a realization. Why should others care? so i stopped caring too.

I feel like there are somethings in existence that carry meaning and in mine there are three people that carry meaning.

First, there is the person i regret losing most and that would be a girl, i know that sounds foolish but i feel that it carries meaning. This girl actually meant the world to me, and i would've given her everything but unfortunately i was still too immature for her. Thats the reason i lost her. Being a kid.

Second, there is the person or the one, that got away. It was recent but to many people it seemed like it was a mistake that i probably am not beat up about it. but i am. i could've given everything that couldnt be bought, everything. i would have tried to make her see where we would be going in the next 10 years and even though i would have died for that, i'd do its because i really sincerely did want something from... the idea of having a proper relationship. i wanted some one to love and i found that this person could have been the one who was the one.

Third, the person that was biggest mistake in my life. Also was recent and my mind is still going on and on about this person cause i wouldnt be so fucked up right now if it weren't for her. I sincerely thought that this person was the one i could trust for anything in the world and in the future would have given her everything she would ever dream of. but no, i guess she wanted all that materialism now. She probably couldnt wait, although yeah, i would have passed sooner or later but still i wouldve tried everything, this is what i thought right until the day everything was broken down in one go and every word she ever said, i realized were lies and every thought she ever thought was never about me and as a person, she's not so bad but i guess i made a mistake to love her as much as i did.

All three if these people mean something in my existence, and i find that people who kill themselves are not wrong but are not thinking. The only people that should kill themselves and be right about it are people that have no one, that have nothing and that have no hope and no love, then yes i think it is fair to stub out their existence. But i am not going to kill myself, these people above already did and god already did, so i would not have to. i'm dead anyway

She listens like spring and talks like June.

2010-12-19T02:17:00.000-08:00

I guess she was never meant for me.
but i want her so badly
I guess she thought i was a plain person, same old person that didnt do fun stuff. She has a best friend always sticking up for her. She finally got the chance to sail across the sun, and dance across the light of day. I too could have given her that but i know now that there was a reason she was cold, ignorant. That was because she thought i did something i did not do. I swear on my life i did not do it. I was and am still sincere.

I want to kiss you on a midnight street
Sweep you off your feet
i'll make you sing how life is so sweet
Statements like these could only be for you and no one else
its coz you're special

Sueanne

The Long road out of Hell

2010-12-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

As he walks down that road he walks and thinks of the life he once had, he was rich and splashed with joy or so he thought was joy, he loved his money he loved his women but why? why didnt he love himself... he loved all that he could but in the end none of that mattered as he walks this road, this road out of the mouth, out of the darkness into the light. He always told himself that he would reach it someday, someday not too far away. he walked it day by day as he thought why me? After the years passed by and seeing the dead trees live again and die again, he stopped asking why, instead he asked who? who would do this to him, GOD? no God isnt a bad being, so he was told as he grew to be a man, but if God didnt do this then who? Then as the centuries passed by he didnt blame God, he blamed himself, for not loving himself, for not doing what was best for himself, but doing what was best for others, He was told that he should think for others, God praised those who think for others, he worked his job for nearly 20 years thinking for others but in the end he never thought he'd be here, alone.

The devastation of Ben as he walked this road given time to think, time to re-live his life is Gods punishment for his sins. But what sins did he actually commit? Not much, except he believed in the wrong things and listened to the opinion of others and worked in providing answers to others but never himself. Is God this judgmental? I wouldn't know, i am not Ben but I am just another being passing by the life of a lonely Man.

Ben thinks to himself,

" What would i have done if i had not believed in God?"

Movie making.

2010-11-30T11:40:00.000-08:00

To all readers, i cureently have lotsa time on me hands so to use that time and get me mind off things i want to do something i love doing, and so i have decided to make a movie! A short clip maybe for about 5 mins or 6 mins doesnt matter. But i really need to make a choice between 2 ideas should i do one or both specify please

First Idea.

Title - Just a little late.
Tone - Dramatic, emotional

Basic Story - Couple fighting and crying and what not with a sad twist at the end, Music video style, no

conversation..

Second Idea.

Title - Sitting in The Sky

Tone - Dark, Suicidal, Emotional

Basic Story - Like the tale of innocence similar storyline, less rocky but basically about a sad, lonely kid that wants to kill himself. Lots of memories and flashbacks

I dont know, these ideas are rough ideas that need work but i need to help choosing one that would be fun to watch and for me fun to make. Please respond to me facebook thank you.

God sent me.

2010-11-28T00:55:00.000-08:00

When everything starts crashing down

When all I know falls to the ground

When darkness comes and I can’t see

When no one wants me to be me

When I cry and see no light

When darkness comes to blind my sight

When I’m trapped and without a key

You’re always there to rescue me.

To perceive light onto the people with only darkness in their minds.

Earth and Water

2010-11-27T01:59:00.000-08:00

Funny how i put this because only 1 person actually knows what i'm talking about but yeah i'd write anyway.

Earth is the element of form and stability, water is not. Water depends on the earth to make its size its composition and its shape, with out earth there can be no shape of water no personality. Water runs so free yet the earth is always here strong and stable. i currently know that you as water may not want that to be stable but in the end water always comes back to the earth, its inevitable. Water cannot be contained by another element, and only the earth can surround it and shape it. I don't know why other people have to lend their opinions when u can think for yourself, very angry but i feel u will never see it. Opinionated people always have things to say always have things to tempt u with, ok maybe this isnt the time to pressure u about such things but i i am being sincere and i hate it that you are not.

A little whisper in your ear and the devil beckons u.

does he know?

2010-11-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

Does he know you like to keep the movie tickets?
Does he know u like the morning breeze?
Does he know you like the beach?
Does he know u like to smile in ur sleep

He know u like him more than me

Thats all he needs

Daily Osomeness

2010-11-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

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NO OSOMENESS FOR TODAY WILL UPDATE LATER!

When one door closes.

2010-11-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

i hate it when people give pm's like i quote "When one door closes another opens". you know why? cause it is usually more directed to a person, i hate it when that person sayys things that hurts me more. I will find out and i will do whatever it takes to tear it to pieces and i will crush u.

see is that nice? no.

OMG the TEMPTATION TO CALL U IS ACHING!!! but i already did and it did me no good after all.... sucks eh i just got played people

Let me ask u a sane question, does this make any sense? " I cant take the commitment "

yea it makes sense right, but what if u add "2 years" to the equation... does it make sense that she didnt break up earlier, now she wants her freedom and suddenly she just wants to dump me on my ass. I find it weird, if u say " not fair for me " why wasnt it 2 YEARS AGO?!?!? why leave me me with NOTHING!?!?!?...

just doesnt make sense.

other guy? cakap lah!
want to fuck around? cakap la!
don't love me anymore? beritahu la...

i didnt get any of this mind u.

i find it weird, thats all

i mean I'm stupefied!

i gave u 2 weeks to tell me an answer i hate this 2 weeks

please for gods sake someone tell me the TRUTH!!!!!!!!!

before i hang myself from a 6 inch rope i found in my store room.

Good for nothing but being everything thats bad

2010-11-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

Funny how life can treat u somedays. I wish u would just leave, your presence still lingers here. I held u're hand through all of these years, but u still left me. Funny i saw it coming and most probably i knew it would be better for me, but i'm bound to the life u left behind, Would it hurt u so bad to tell me the truth? I hate u... with all my heart i hate that i didnt see this pain coming. Time can bring u down, time can bend your knees, time break ur heart have u beg and plead, but thats not what i did , i just needed to hear it and you couldnt say it. Why have this ego when u know there'd be no more us. Funny.

I told u that no one would treat u how i treat u but there wasnt a reaction, and that was when i knew it couldnt be anymore, it was one way traffic. You'd be at home now sleeping peacefully when i'd be broken, yes i'd mend myself, i always do. When i was young i was depressed over someone, and yes i still regret that decision, i'm not the one to regret this thou. i'm just sad, and everybody knew i'd be sad, and i am. but i'm also angry, no more deep words can come out from my mouth, from my head, because those words are beautiful, and my mind isnt so beautiful right now. but something good to say about u.....

My tears gone cold i wonder why, i will get out of bed alone
The morning rain outside the window, reminds me its gonna be bad
My head just feels in pain, it might imply that i might not last the day
but then u call me and then its not so bad
Even if my house fell down i wouldnt have a clue because u were near me
And i want to thank you for giving me the best years of my life, and just to be with you was the best thing in my life.

if u just walked away what could i really say, would it matter anyway?
i'm the mess u chose the closet u could never close
And the wounds would never heal
so u sailed away, into that grey skyed morning
And i'm here to stay.

It may take sometime to patch me up inside
When i cant take it i'd run away and hide
I may find in time that u were right
you were always right.

and then some thing u should know about how i was before, exactly how i felt before i met u and how i feel now.

My mouth as a crib and it was growing lies
parts of tiny blood clots have picked at it
it never heals and never goes away

burn all the good things in the edens eye
we were too dumb to run
too dead to die

this was never my world u took the angel away
I would have killed myself to make everybody pay

I would have told her then
she was the only thing
that i could love in this dying world
But the simple word of love itself already died and went away.

Her hearts are blood stains today,
we didnt handle with care
its broken in the end
and we can never repair.

There was something cold and blank behind her smile,
she was standing in an overpass in a miracle mile
Cause she was from a perfect world
a world that threw me away today
to run away

I was waiting to fall, just bleeding like a polaroid that has lost its dolls
Just cut our wrists like cheap coupons and say that death was on sale today.

Pills to make u numb, pills to make u dumb
pills to make u anybody else
But all the pills in this world wont save me from myself.

i know who i am and I know what i want to say and i don't care who is listening
I just wanna remember what u used to be some one that could fucking impress me.

Push my fingers into my eyes, its the only thing that slowly stops the ache but its made of all the things i have to take.

Taking her time right behind my back,
i talking to myself cause i cant forget
back and forth through my mind behind a cigarette
and a message going through my mind says leave it alone

and i'm bleeding and bleeding right before the lord
i'll bleed all the words out and i will live no more

Heart Stop

2009-10-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

my steps are getting faster, but my heart is getting slower, slowing down, until theres no beat left... so much pain, but i keep walking, cause theres a reason, How much can i take, my heart is stopping, my life is draining into the ground, yet i still walk, why? cause i have to, i cant let my heart stop, i have to keep walking, although i know when i reach my destination, i'll die. Should i walk, yes... there's no point asking, i'm not gonna tell u what this is about, When i die, they'll know that i kept on walking, and that i didnt stop.

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

Rasa kecewa di dalam dada.

2009-10-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

its so testing, this month, and the next

i'm almost done yeah, almost finished.

having terrible dreams lately.

having very bad days.

and yet, i come home alone.

every day, this month.

When u were here before, couldnt look u in the eye
you're just like an angel, skin makes me cry
you float like a feather in a beautiful world
i wish i was special, so very special
i'm a creep i'm a weirdo,
what'm i doing here, i dont belong here
i don't care for looks, i wanna have control
i wan a perfect body, i want a perfect soul
iwant you to notice when i'm not around,
so very special, i wish i was special
Whatever makes u happy, whatever you want
so very special, i wish i was special
but i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo
i don't belong here.

I am tired, i need to know i belong again.

End.

The earth, the sky, angels and friends.

2009-07-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

Imagine losing someone u love, and a friend on the same night. Both of these things i have lost before, i lost someone i loved back when i was in form 5, it hurt real bad until i found chin, but now i feel we're falling apart, just like before it's because of me. One of my closest friends who left before without telling me, left again today. so many memories i have held dear, before anyone, and in the distant past. These two things have moved me enough to blog again when i gave up hope on my so called talent. i never had talent i had problems. i never loved writing i loved expression but these two things made me write again, i hate that he had to leave again. i hate that she had to feel this way, i hate that again i was at fault. i'm so sorry.

Part 1

to my life line, my rock to support me in sinking sand, my earth as i am your sky.

I love you, i cherish you, i never want to lose u, i would never be able to live without your smile and your laugh and your hai yo! i would never be able to feel anything but the sorrow of being without you, i'd rather be alone than be with someone else, i'd always want you. i'm sorry for these frequent coincidences, i can't control the world. but i want you to know no matter how much the world gets to me, i'd always be happy when u're happy with me. i'd always be happy when you're around i'd always be happy when u're near, because i know that u love me too. The best thing about love, is having someone love u back. i'll die when u walk away, buts whats worse than dying? whats worse than dying is living, living to watch u walk away. i'd never forgive myself. i'm sorry, i'm just asking for help and forgiveness and a chance to be like last time. we need to be strong until u finish ur exams and i'm sure we'll be able to work things out, we just need to be strong, i'll help u if u'll help me. i know how u are feeling trust me i've been there, its not nice, i'm sorry i don't want to make u feel this way, this would be my final plea. i really do love you, more than i ever have and you'l never be able to find some one else that loves you as much, not ever. it is because i love you like the sky loves the earth even though its dying it still protects the earth, even though i'm dying i will always give u the tender care u need and the protection to what ever that may harm u, even urself, remember?

God sent an angel, and that angel was me
i shined a light, bright as can be
To protect a soul and that soul was you
To protect your body, your heart and all u hold true

Fell so in love as an angel could love
To be rejected by the father above
Never thought an angel could love
As i fell from the skies above

A soul so beautiful, so kind so pure
A soul so bright, any sickness it would cure
I fell in love as i had my first sight
Just as i had when i saw Gods light

An angel would fall to be human
Just to be in love with this beautiful woman
This woman's name is Lim Chin Lee
And oh my god that angel was me.

Part 2
I have not much to say about my best friend except for the times we had the things we did, and the stuff he taught me, thank you my friend and i will see you soon.

i hope you remember the times we had
cause i know for sure i'll never forget.

i know i havent been close to you for the past year or so but you're still my best friend.

End.

PS: i love u honey, and i sorta love u homey in a friend way la bro!
its not like any of you would read this anyway.

Walking

2009-02-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

why do we walk? why do we run, why do we do the things in life we need not do? I'm starting to ask myself these questions all over again, i've been through shit in my life, through many bad spots, and in one long bad run, in these few months i've known ups and downs, i feel like talking now to someone i can, and would listen, don't talk just listen, but have yet to find one. that just listens, call me maybe u can listen, but i doubt it.

I asked God

2009-01-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

You told me it'd be sweet if i wrote this myself, so i did

I asked God for a flower, he gave me a bouquet
I asked God for a minute, he gave me a day
I asked God for true love, he gave me that too
I asked for an angel and he gave me you.

I love you fey

Chin-ness!!!

2009-01-20T05:54:00.000-08:00

Smile an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you
Near to me.
Don't ever let me find you down, cause that would
Bring a tear to me.
This world has lost its glory, lets start a brand
New story now, my love.
Right now, there'll be no other time and I can show
You how, my love.

Talk in everlasting words, and dedicate them all to
Me.
And I will give you all my life, I'm here if you
Should call to me.
You think that I don't even mean a single word i
Say.
Its only words, and words are all I have, to take
Your heart away

I'm sooooo sweeeetttttt!!

2008-12-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

Ken made the Princess wait. For nothing.

Never again

Ken put entertaining his friends first before the Princess’s needs.

Switch!

Ken drank more than he should have.

Just don’t.

Ken didn’t feed the hungry Princess.

Feed the Princess, even if she isn’t hungry.

Ken was inconsiderate of the Princess’s feelings.

Will treat the Princess’s feelings like breathing.

Ken failed to watch a movie with the Princess, like he said they would.

Ken will watch whatever movie the Princess wants, chick flicks and all. Twice if he has to.

Ken didn’t reply or call back the Princess’s constant and loving tries at communication.

Will lead a better telecommunication life.

The way i feel tonight

2008-12-18T23:31:00.000-08:00

i wish my life was a song, cause songs they never die...i could write for years and years and never have to cry, i'd show u how i feel without saying a word i could wrap up both our hearts i know it sounds absurd, and i saw the tears on ur face, i'd shot u down, and i slammed the door but couldn't make a sound, so please stay sweet my dear, don't hate me now, i can't tell how this last song ends...

The way i feel tonight, so down, so down, i pray that i could swim just so i won't drown, in the waves that crash over me, I'm gasping for air, take my hand so that i can breath, as i write this last song down, and then i saw the tears on your face, as i shot you down, and i slammed the door but couldn't make a sound, So please stay sweet my dear, don't hate me now, I really can't tell how this last song ends.

The broken glass , your moisten skin, was everything, was everything.
And your broken voice was quivering, you're everything, you're everything
Scream at me , make it the best i've ever heard
Laugh out loud i know it sounds absurd
You're everything, You're everything
Heart beats slowing, pains are growing
Does she love you? Thats worth knowing....

You....

SHHHH.

2008-10-09T10:30:00.001-07:00

haha. i hacked into leecheungken's blog. it's fun. DAMN IT HAHAH.
and oh well, no salty salty woi chi mui.

- kinky chi mui ;D

Take my Hand so i can breath

2008-09-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Please stay sweet my dear,

its funny when u suddenly showed up into my life, never have i seen such a person, so same, but yet different i know that you hide certain things in your life, certain things that i guess you don't want people to see, and i love that, i am smitten i can say. Its in your eyes where i find peace, peace in my own world, everything else blurrs out when i look at you, thats how i know, after so long. You all know how i write i pour out thoughts, no matter how many things I've heard, how many things i know u did, doesnt really matter, i really know that i am a person that doesnt easily find someone, and i don't fall so easily, and i know that its the same, the same everytime i do it, its the same everytime i am smitten everytime i am different, i treat u diferent from how i treat other people, and i know because i don't care how u look or how u act as long as u arent what i don't want to see in you, yes i'm different, yes i'm abit nuts and yes i'm very straight foward, but i dont open up very easily, and havent yet with you, its hard for i don't know for sure if its mutual. its been awhile since i've gone and fuck things up, just like i always do, but it dissapears when i'm with you.

An answer to a question...

2008-09-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

If your life story as made into a film directored and acted out by your favorite actor/actresses. How do you want your feminity and masculinity to be projected on screen?

To directly answer that question, it would be tremendously difficult. The answer I’m going to give you is going to be full of what I think of masculinity and feminity, my characters and how the film will portray a person’s certain gender.

My characters will not be projected in a direct way, of course my character would be a man but this man isn’t a bold, adventurous, strong or even brave. He is me, the sleeper. The person that is in every class, every tutorial, everywhere, a person that is left alone, a person with no one to talk to, the loner if you must say. Although sense of masculinity is always present, the audience will definitely know he is a man, boy, male. And surely enough he doesn’t come to class, he loves the world, outside this one, his own little world that he lives in everyday, he loves his world outside of school.

If so happen my life would be made into a film, audience will not know his pain until they realize that in some point of their own lives, they have felt exactly the same, especially the first day of work, where unfriendly eyes meet you in every direction, No one really to confide your fear, phobia and uneasy-ness to. And yet when people look at him, they can sense that he is a loner he has no friends, but still he is strong and his will is what brings him through life, that is masculinity to me, the ability to prove yourself or to survive through dark and lonely times and stay stagnant, unmoved by the rigors of life. That is masculinity, to be able to live life, and in between, laugh about the good parts and still continue to suffer life as it is.

In the end of my movie the audience will understand that this boy has had enough with his life although only being at the age of probably 25, not married, no friends, useless job and mostly unhappy and depressed, that is what happens to people that have no will, or just have taken too much punishment in their lives. Those are truly depressed people. My character will be projected as a person drifting through time with only the masculinity given to him by his natural gender and probably by his age, rigors that he has been through and his independent lifestyle. Masculinity is but a heritage and masculinity is only a cover, a mask of your true self esteem.

Hope is actually masculinity hidden under the sheets of shallowness

And Hope guides us through our Darkest Times and our Toughest Toils

The title is below

2008-09-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

The Lonely Velvet Road

There is hole inside of me, a vacant space, I cannot live with out my own, my story has been faded into dust, I cannot breath, I cannot live anymore, there isn’t a point.

A story of a boy on a string, Never once in his life has he proved them wrong, Never has he felt so kept up, he has been kept up his whole life, and just wants to break free. So many years of deep depression and inner instability makes him what he is today, the scared, the easily angered, and the complicated little boy. Complicated in the sense of he lacks the inner stability that would make his life more simple more motivated more successful. This little boy is me.

He lacked the simple values of courtesy towards his parents; he lacked the will to keep his word. He wanted to help himself more than he wanted to suppress them, he sees no wrong in wanting to break free, he sees no wrong in wanting to help himself , he sees no wrong in being selfish for the moment for he is very, very hurt and tortured by the feeling of never being free. He needs to find the very meaning of his existence, why his play was ever written for him, for the world. Never wanting to be in his position, his life wasn’t intended to be like this, his life that he would have written it would have been more flowery, and yet his father said something about reality to him today, he cannot seem to find meaning in that word, that little boy is me.

He was just interrupted by his mother and now has lost his concentration, he will continue this…I don’t know what he would call it. He will call it a night, and continue tomorrow, he never meant for this to happen, it just did, he has seemingly found something but that something is what is causing him to rebel, restrictions for this break month, to find himself he has to do it on his own, to find something not with the help of his parents or his sibling or a professional, more of something he has to find with the freedom of his break month, all they can do is give me the time to find what’s missing, and what is the filling of the vacant spot, he doesn’t know yet, he needs to find it himself, this little boy must find the screw that holds him together, the meaning in life not practical, but spiritual and more of his inner self. He has to find meaning to the life of this little boy, the reason to go on, to start living again, and to finally not want to die.

(Cont)

Every Night I fall Asleep And This is All I Dream

2008-08-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

Having arrived at this moment, I’m still the same
Alone, Alone, I'm still hurt
I don’t dare to think too much
Because I’m all by myself
Facing moonlight, it draws out the silhouette
Walking by the boundless and endless street
Love me, don’t go
You don’t love me
I don't wanna know
Give me warmth again
And this night, will erase the other is for sure
I don’t hear you anymore
Because I’m all by myself
Because I’m thinking of you...

Because I'm already Dead

The sweetest thing

2008-07-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

Funny eh how life works? Its just so ever changing, one day we are doing things that make us feel good, but we know its bad... the next thing we knoe, actually this is my perception... i used to do things that make me feel good but i know are bad, but now i know that feeling good and doing good, feels much better feeling free and surrounded by people that are spontaneous and sure of themselves is basic bliss, but i and only i know the truth of this feeling, a feeling a blissful thinking about a life without responsibilities.. i know this life cannot last, it cannot be a forever thing thats why i cherish it, i'm even hurting now just because i'm taking time to write this post about it... but i want to remember how much i had enjoyed how much i felt free... no more pain no more times where i felt like theres no reason, but there is a reason only one reason... actually two...one is to be in love, the other, living for this feeling, a feeling that cannot be erased, theres only one thins that could complete my life, i want to me my only one my one for me, the one that could make my life worth living for... i might have already but god can't be so cruel to let her pass by already could he, please, please god, don't let it be her... I want some thats not just another brick in the wall...

Take me out, be my scout before the drought...

2008-07-22T05:03:00.000-07:00

No one has a right to write whatever on their blogs, yes its a medium of self expression but well, freedom of speech has a limit, and this limit has been reached by a certain person, and isnt right to be published, on any blog, no matter how u feel, keep it to urself at least just express it in a different manner.... blogspot sucks yooo....

Back to my life, well my life is a lil bit, unstable, yes thats the word, still the story of a boy on the lonely velvet road but now added abit of rotten eggs and rats runnin around. Always i've helped my fellow walking people, walking the same path, and yes i've been very considerate and not acting up lately, but still miss the tymes of sheer stupidity and harmful bodily activities, u know what i'm talking bout, miss the raves miss the people, but ofcourse their bad for what i must, need to whatever u call it "become what i must become" that sorta thing, people i have met say i have potential, have promise to become a great writer and all that bull shit.. of course i'm just a normal person suffering from severe psychotic Depression... or so they say.

They i'm reffering to is the machine that made that road that velvet one, and so these machine control life to be what it is, life...if u call this really life... doesnt matter u see there isnt a point fighting back, or at least showing that u fight, cold war is more effective and maybe to be the snake to be the fox. To comply yet rebel toward complicity, in silent and near non existent war... And we will achieve Equilibrium, and for that i fight, for not only me but my mind and my soul , for now i comply but in the future those machine will comply, when there isnt need for complicity, when compliance doesnt exist and when there isnt need of compliance towards the complicity of higher powers..

No more shall i be in this hold
this hold that is been on me
In this hold, i'm so cold
Break me Out so i can be free

This hold so strong
That i need to fly
that i need to belong
To the ever giving sky

For this to end,i will die
no more no less, to see the sun
To see the sky, i will fry
Oh no Oh no, just to see that beautiful sun

Its the end, yes its here
its finally come its finally me
Nothing to lose nothing to fear
No more no more, i'm finally free

We've been created to destroy ourselves

2008-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Red, Blue, Purple and Gray

Shades of colours pass by

As I turn upon the sky

Never had I felt so dead

As I cry down tears of Red

Never have I felt so cold

Never had I been so bold

To think the sky is Blue

And I held to you so true

Yes, there are people

Where their world is Purple

Never wondering why

Never knowing their world is a brilliant lie

And finally there is Gray

The colour that got lost in the fray

Not knowing how to die

When shades of colours pass by.

I am these colours in all, I am these meanings, I am lost all over again